Written On Our Hearts

Here we go again, I think

2011-11-03T14:06:00.000-07:00

Well, I might as well let the cat out of the bag.

We are trying again.

Which, in adoption speak, does not mean we get to have sex but that we get to be investigated and fill out reams of paperwork.

Yup, we have begun the paperwork process of adopting again. We have JUST begun so it'll be a long haul. Our agency is currently gathering everything we need for the social worker who will then come and schedule our home study visits (a total of 3).

Art and I still waver on a second kid at times, but we also know this is best for Lexi and its what God wants us to do.

I get so sad, though, when I look at Lexi now or when I'm snuggling with her and reading a book. I think, "our time alone with her will come to a close in the next year or so" and "how can I continue to give Lexi the attention she deserves if I'm also taking care of a newborn?"

Yes, Lexi will probably be 3.5 to 4 years old before we bring a new baby home and I've never had a kid that age so don't know how much work/attention she'll need by then...but still, we adore her and it feels like falling in love with another child means "cheating" on Lexi or stealing love from her.

Does that even make any sense? Do any of you with more than one understand that? Did you feel that while pregnant with #2?

It feels like saying to Lexi, "scram, kid, there's a cute new baby in town" or "you just weren't enough for us." Silly, right?

Millions of people have siblings without being emotionally destroyed. I'm so melodramatic.
I have to start thinking of it in terms of it's not something we are doing to her, but rather something we are doing with her.

After all, Art and I have always agreed that if Lexi's birth mother became pregnant again and wanted to place with us (happens a lot more in the domestic adoption world than you'd think) we'd do it in a heart beat as it would be a biological sibling for Lexi.

So, what is the difference if its not a bio sibling? I'm not her bio mother, but that makes no difference.

And of course I think about the times Art or I were not the model parents and I wonder if I should just stop with one! Ha!

You know what's gonna happen, right? We will get placed with a newborn and then be contacted by Lexi's birth mom that she is pregnant again and wants to place. We'll end up with three kids when we weren't even sure we wanted two!

Here we go again

2011-11-01T15:18:00.001-07:00

So, November 1st. I'm attempting NoJoMo (November Journaling Month) again. In addition to this, I'm trying some other things in my attempt to improve myself.

I decided to do this rather than try to fix all my flaws come January 1.

So, I'll also be doing:

NoFaBoMo: No facebook month. I'm taking 30 days off FB. I spend way too much time on there when I could be doing other, more productive things.

NoSpeMo: No spend month. With the exception of Christmas shopping, groceries and gas I'm going to not buy anything in November that is not a need. This includes books for my Nook....I have enough books to get me through November, but I still love to buy books.

In other news, I have decided to jump in after all and go back to school. I will be starting classwork for my doctorate in January. Am I scared? Yup. Is it a lot of money? Yup. But, we just got an income tax refund that is the exact amount I need for the first two years (thank you, Adoption Tax Credit!). So, we'll be putting that into a dedicated account to pay for school.

That is all.

Homeschool!

2011-09-18T08:26:00.001-07:00

I've decided to try and homeschool Lexi for preschool at home. Here's what our first week looks like (all materials are from this great website). I will our homeschooling in the mornings if we don't have a playdate or something else and in the afternoons, after nap, if we do have somewhere to go in the mornings. Our theme this week is: Ocean

Monday: Lexi with mom, I work Mondays
Tuesday: 1. Nomenclature Cards (pictures of ocean life with their scientific names)
2. Coloring the letter "o" for ocean
3. Bible Memory Verse: "And God said, "Let the waters under the Heavens be gathered together into one place and let the dry land appear. And it was so."
4. Large Motor: My Gym gymnastics class (plus social)
5. Social: I have women's Bible study that morning, so she'll be with other kids in the church nursery

Wednesday: 1. Pattern Cards (making a pattern using different ocean life cards)
2. Graphing (she rolls a dice onto a paper with different ocean life on it and colors in a square. At the end we see how many times it landed on the fish or whale, etc).
3. Tracing: help the fish get home (she'll trace lines from fish to their house to practice writing)
4. Memory Verse work

Thursday: 1. Music-Little Rockers class (plus social)
2. Nomenclature Cards
3. Color by number: starfish
4. Beginning sounds: (Fish, Wave, etc)
5.Memory Verse
6. How Many Fish? (she places cards with different fish on them in the "ocean" and then places the correct # next to them)

Friday: 1. Tracing the letter "O"
2. Memory Verse
3. Nomenclature Cards
4. A Memory game with ocean life cards
5. Which one is different? (with ocean life)

In addition, I'll fit in the following whenever we have time:
1. Reading these books: Ocean Peek a Boo, Noah's Ark, I Spy in the Ocean, Finding Nemo Just Keep Swimming!
2. Video: Numbers Ahoy by Leapfrog
3. Playing with toy sea life in her sensory bin
4. Paining an ocean and adding fish stickers
5. Acting out the Bible story of Jonah and the Whale

Day in the Life: 1

2011-08-11T19:07:00.000-07:00

Some mommy blogs I read are posting a detailed description of their days so we can all see we are more alike than we think! So, here's mine.

This was yesterday (Wednesday).

7:45 a.m. Lexi wakes up, Daddy gets her up and going (it was his night to co-sleep). I'm half dozing, half awake as I listen to them read books and play in her room.

8:00 a.m. Lexi comes running into our room saying, "Wake up, Mommy!" I pull her up on the bed with me and we snuggle a bit and Art and I talk.

8:15: a.m. Art changes Lexi's diaper while I dress/get ready for day.

8:30 a.m. Art gets ready for his day and heads to work. I put Lexi in her high chair and feed her breakfast. She requests eggs, yelling, "I LOVE scrambled eggs!" Breakfast: scrambled eggs, blueberries, milk. I eat eggs too.

9:00 a.m. Lexi plays in her playroom while I clean up the kitchen from breakfast and clean the bathrooms, I do a quick check of email/Facebook.

9:30 a.m. Get Lexi dressed and brush her hair, shoes on, diaper bag packed, strapped in the car seat and we head off for a playdate.

9:30 a.m. - 11:30 a.m. Playdate with my playgroup. Me and three other moms talk and hang out while our kids ~~destroy the playroom~~ play. We go back and forth from talking with each other and refereeing toddler moments like grabbing toys out of each other's hands. The kids range in age from 14 months to 3. We all move to the kitchen for a snack: crackers, cheese, raw veggies, brownies. Lexi actually prefers the crackers and carrots to the brownies!

11:30 a.m. -12:30 p.m. Back in the car seat, we begin to head home. Lexi starts wailing in the back seat, "no hoooooome, I don't want to go home. I want to go to the mall and ride the merry go round and eat lunch there!" She loves to be out and about. We stop at the mall where Lexi eats a slice of pizza and an apple juice. We start walking around the mall, I let her walk a few steps ahead of me since the mall is not crowded. We get to the "rides", those put a quarter in type, like in front of stores. She rides the merry go round, the fire truck and blue race car. When it's time to go, she protests, loudly, but calms down pretty quickly. I browse through Macy's looking at expensive purses (my weakness in my otherwise frugal life). Back to the car seat, head home.

1:00 p.m. -2:00 p.m. Change Lexi's diaper, wash her hands and face and put her down for a nap. We read a few books and then its sleep time. She usually takes a 2 to two and a half hour nap each day. But today? Nothing doing! She's bouncing all over the bed, reading her books, playing with her favorite stuffed animals (a duck named Duckers and a pig named Hamlet, also a doll named Penelope Peapod), kicking the wall, yelling, "Mommy, where are you? I'm done. Time to get up!" I go to try and rub her back and get her to sleep. Nope. She cuddles with me a bit and then wants to "go pway" (play). After an hour I figure a nap is just not going to happen, so we get up.

2:00 p.m.-3:00 p.m. I need the break I usually get at nap time, so Lexi plays in her playroom while I putter around the house and on the computer.

3:00 p.m.-4:00 p.m. I need a hair cut and so does Lexi. So, back into the car, we head to the local Great Clips (see, frugal!) and both get trims. She's wonderful in the salon so I take her to Cold Stone Creamery after and get her a small ice cream. Which she eats about 3 bites of and declares she's done. Back in the car and head home. The whole way home Lexi has a running conversation with me/herself: "I LOVE playdates. I LOVE Great Clips....I LOVE my home too. I LOVE Grandma and Grandpa's house. Look, there's the diner! Hi diner! Look, there's Costco, hi Costco! Where we going, Mommy? Home to play! I LOVE to play!"

4:00 p.m. -5:00 p.m. Lexi and I play in the playroom with her doll house. She creates this whole scenario where she (as the mommy) and me (as the baby) take a plane to Great Adventure and on rides and go swimming. She also has these characters eat dinner, sleep in the sun, go in the pool and play the piano.

5:00 p.m.-5:30 p.m. We head outside to play. Lexi runs around looking at ants and flowers, riding her tractor, going on her slide. At 5:30, Daddy comes home and hangs out with her outside while I head in to cook dinner.

5:30 p.m.-6:30 p.m. Yay, it's leftover's night! Meatballs, chicken, green beans. So, I heat up our food, prepare our plates, set the table and call Lexi and Daddy in. We say grace and eat dinner together, which goes mostly smoothly. There's a few times of minor meltdowns when Daddy pours Lexi's milk and she wanted to "help you pour, Daddy!" but other than that Art and I try to talk like adults while at the same time, including Lexi in the conversation.

Me: "How was your day?"

Art: tells an interesting story about his day

Lexi: "DAAAAAAAAADY, I LOOOOOVE YOU. Can I have more milk?"

We try to talk some more.

Lexi: "MMMM, meatballs! Today was fun, right Mommy?"

I retreat to the bedroom to read my devotional while Art cleans the kitchen and Lexi from dinner.

6:30-7:00 Art and Lexi play while I have these few moments of alone time!

7:00 p.m.-8:00 p.m. Bathtime, hair washing, teeth brushing. Again, Lexi and I play out a scenario, she loves doing this. This time its a mommy and baby mermaid learning how to jump in the water. Get Lexi's pajamas on and we read two books, "A Color of His Own" about a chameleon and "Bedtime for Bunnies." We say our prayers and then lights out. I lay with Lexi and sing and snuggle with her. She drops off pretty quickly since she hasn't had her nap. Meanwhile, Art has headed out for a class at church.

8:00 p.m.-10:00 p.m. More alone time! I read! More than one page at a time! I putter around. I go online.
10:00 p.m. Art comes home, we talk for a bit (hey, I remember you, you're my awesome husband!), Art heads to his office to chill out and I go to sleep!

10:00 p.m.-7:30 a.m. next morning: Lexi wakes once from a nightmare, around 2:30 a.m. and is crying, "I want my mommy," I go in and take a turn co-sleeping with her.

Finally, a decision!

2011-08-02T20:27:00.001-07:00

So, after much angst and drama in my own head, I've made a decision for the fall. Instead of teaching two classes at the college, which would have life nuts because one was a morning class, twice a week, I decided to teach one class and then maybe bump it up to two in the spring if I can get two evening classes.

So, I'll be teaching US National Government Monday nights

Teaching Women of the Bible at my Tuesday morning women's Bible study on a rotating basis (probably every 6 weeks or so) and attending the Bible study when not teaching

Attending and leading our MOPS group every other Friday morning at church.

The other days/times will be filled with a mixture of playdates, homschooling Lexi preschool, Little Rockers classes (music class) and stuff like that.

I feel so at peace with this choice!

Arguing with myself....

2011-08-01T20:10:00.001-07:00

.......
....and winning....maybe.

My dd is two and two and four months. We practice a modified co-sleeping. DH or I stay with her until she falls asleep in her own bed. If/when she cries for us in the middle of the night, one of us goes in and co-sleeps with her in her full size bed and the other gets a chance to get a good, full nights rest in the master bed.

This works well for all of us. Both DH and I are very content with this set up, feeling it gives us what we need: time alone with each other for "whatever" after she falls asleep, co-sleeping with her and turns at a good night's sleep.
It works for our family beautifully.

And then I start driving myself nuts. A friend with a boy close to DD's age and one year old TWINS just puts them down in their cribs, fully awake, walks out of the room and they go to sleep.

I start telling myself, DD SHOULD be doing this too. Then other mothers in my playgroup describe the exact same thing, just leaving their two year olds or younger, in their own rooms, alone.

I start to think, "am I doing this wrong? why does DD need me or dh to fall asleep."

(side note: the friend mentioned above also has the tv on all day and lets her kids watch any and every show that comes on. We don't even have a tv. I don't compare myself to her in that area, I don't think, "well, DD SHOULD be watching lots of tv!" So, why do I do it with co-sleeping??)

So, tonight I decide its time for my two year old to just sleep alone and deal with it!

I do our bedtime routine, tell her mommy is going to sleep in her own bed and I'll see her in the morning. I walk out. And DD starts whimpering, then fully crying and saying, "mommy, where ARE you?!" I call into her room, "I'm here, go to sleep."

Nope. More crying, heading into the sobbing, catching your breath kind.

I argue with myself:
"stick it out, it'll be bad tonight, but it'll get better. DON'T GO IN."

"wait, she's only two, not even two and a half, I have to go in"

"don't go in, she has to learn"

"she's really upset and now saying she's scared, I have to go in!!"

"don't go in! you'll just spoil her!"

"I'm going in, that's my baby!"

And I go in, get DD calmed down. But as she's falling asleep with me, she keeps letting out little cries and then grasping my shirt or my arm and holding tight to make sure I stay.

And I realize: she's two. A baby. I still consider children under three "babies" even though my friends/family think I'm nuts for that. They tell me two is old enough to be independent.

My DD is ahead in a lot of areas, she is extremely verbal and tall. Most think she is 3 or even 4 when she talks. So, I tend to forget that she is still a baby emotionally. I have to watch other young two's and remind myself, "that's really where DD is, her verbal ability has nothing to do with her emotional development. "

So, I have to tell myself not to care what other people think, not to care how they put their kids to bed. My gut, my mommy instinct is telling me to stick with what is working beautifully for my family-even if people think we're weird.

DH said something that really struck me about this. As I said, she's advanced in a lot of areas like language, math, etc. When I was complaining about her not sleeping by herself and having no interest in potty training/no idea when she is even peeing, DH says, "isn't she allowed to be behind in a few areas? Does she have to be ahead or like other kids in everything?"

Wow. That put it in perspective. No, DD doesn't "have" to be anything. So, even if others say I am babying her....to bad, we will continue our modified co-sleeping!

Happy Birthday, sweet girl!

2011-03-22T04:52:00.001-07:00

March 22, 2009

March 22, 2010

March 22, 2011

Moms, time to 'fess up

2011-02-27T17:12:00.001-08:00

Ok, my readers who are moms of more than one child, talk to me.
Especially if you have kids that are 2-3 years apart, or a toddler and a newborn. What is it REALLY like? Are you losing your mind? If you could do it over again, would you wait until your first was older? Or start when they were younger? What does a normal day look like for you? What about playdates/outings with the older one, do you just bring along the newborn?
Is it harder than you ever thought? Easier than you thought? No sleep?

Curious minds (me) want to know.

Lexi tooth update

2011-02-19T14:52:00.001-08:00

Visit to the oral surgeon this morning.
He was "very pleased" with the healing, so far, in Lexi's mouth!! Yay!
The tooth is starting to descend on its own! Praise God!
Let's continue to pray this tooth all the way down.
Also, here's an example of what a great doctor/practice this is, well, at least if you are Christian! They have two tv's in the waiting room. One had on CNN, the other the 700 Club! They were playing a local Christian radio station. This surprised us.
Art overheard the surgeon treating Lexi talking to one of billing managers about what to charge a particular patient. The doctor said, "Well, the surgery was $2300 but the guy doesn't have any money, so I didn't charge him anything. Just charge him for the device, $300."
Wow!

bad bad...let's hope

2011-02-10T05:48:00.001-08:00

See previous entries for how bad the past month and a half has been. And now, the worst.
From falling off her bed, Lexi hit her mouth, one of her front teeth was pushed/embedded all the way up in her gums. We were in the ER for 5 hours only to have them tell us they couldn't do anything and referred us to an oral surgeon. We have an appointment this morning with the oral surgeon. It's pretty bad. We probably lost her baby tooth and her permanent tooth may be damaged. She looks very disfigured, like she has a cleft palate. I am holding it together in front of her, but other than that I am breaking down and beyond in pain. Will update later.

UPDATE

I'm tired and emotionally worn out so this may be rambling.
Oral surgeon determination: wait and see. Sometimes an injured baby tooth pushed back in the gums will re-descend on its own and the child is no worse for wear. Other times it won't and it has to be extracted. Which means Lexi will have a whole in her smile for 6'ish YEARS until her permanent tooth comes in. We are to give it 8 weeks, with WEEKLY visits to the oral surgeon to check its progress. Weekly. 8 weeks that I hope go by quickly.
Meanwhile, she still looks disfigured. There is a lot of black, blue and gray all around the gums. I can't tell if its bruising or dried blood/pus and she won't let me get in there to clean it...and I don't blame her. But I know she'd look less disfigured without a mouthful of icky looking blackness around her teeth and gums.
She cried when she tried to eat, though it seems to be from frustration not pain. She'll really only eat soft foods (yogurt, pudding, very well done pasta) right now.
She wakes up in the middle of the night crying in terror and wants out of her bed, so obviously, she is still processing this.
She threw her stuffed bunny onto the floor from her bed today and said, "uh oh, boo boo" more evidence she is trying to process this.
What makes me tear up and cry very hard is the change in her personality. She has always been vibrant, outgoing, happy, willing to explore and try things. Since the fall/ER visit Monday she's been withdrawn, quiet, sullen, almost seems depressed. We haven't seen a real smile or gotten a real laugh yet. She's very timid and wants to be held/carried all the time.
Is this normal, experienced parents? Will she return to herself once the emotional trauma of this wears off? Or has this accident changed her permanently? That is what I fear. That is what makes me sob when she and Art are in bed and I'm alone.
I don't want to have lost my brave, outgoing, awesome girl. Some mommy friends are telling me she won't remember this, she'll move on. And I want to, need to believe them. I miss, really miss her, the real her.
I sob when I think this has changed her personality forever.
I blame myself. We recently switched her to a "regular" bed with a side rail, which was working without incident. Until she decided to push on or jump on or climb on the rail-we're not sure. I wasn't home, Art was getting her water. The rail opened and out she fell. I feel like writing and calling the bed rail company and screaming at them and sending them my medical bills. The rail was LOCKED into place, it SHOULDN'T have moved.
I blame myself, it was my idea to get the bed. It was my idea to get the bed rail. Maybe if the rail wasn't here, she would have just slid off on her belly like she does off the couch.
Art blames himself as he left the room for a few seconds.
We are both locked in this guilt and anger at ourselves. I don't blame him. He doesn't blame me. We just do it to ourselves.
And her beautiful smile is gone. I used to get comments on how pretty her teeth and smile were. Gone. I KNOW this is vain. I KNOW it could have been so much worse, she could have had a spinal or brain injury, head trauma. I KNOW. Please don't leave me notes telling me I should be grateful it isn't worse. I KNOW AND I AM. But I need to mourn the loss of her smile.
For awhile I felt like a good enough mother. No ER trips. No accidents. I was very careful.
And as of 2/7/11, that's all changed. Now I feel like a negligent mother.
I never knew having kids was this hard. I never knew injuries/illness to them would hurt the parent so much.

Month From Hell

2011-02-04T05:43:00.001-08:00

I know I've been AWOL, but I am just coming off from the official MONTH FROM HELL.
To wit, in late December, all of January:
Art sprains his ankle, badly, in hospital.
Art gets bad food poisoning, in hospital.
Art gets 2 colds.
I get 3 colds, one of which was probably the flu.
Lexi gets 3 colds AND is diagnosed with Reactive Airway Disease which sounds worse than it is. It's a form of infant asthma. It's only triggered by dust, pollen, pet danger, common cold, toxins, etc. You know, stuff you are around EVERY FREAKING DAY.
She's on a nebulizer and steroids as needed, Triaminic morning and night as needed.
And I'm on watch for that tell tale cough that signals "Get me out of this place now, something is triggering my asthma."
Thank God it's NOT triggered by running around/exercise because trying to keep my very active toddler still, ha! And it's not the kind of asthma that would just flare up, it has to be triggered.
All in all, I'm ok with this, it's just a PITA. But I also recognize that given what kids can have/get, this is small. 70% of kids grow out of this by around age 7. The other 30 percent go on to have full blown asthma. So, we wait and see and watch.
But it coming at the heels of a stellar (note sarcasm) month, it threw me.
But wait, there's more.
I'm headed out to a very expensive Christmas present of a scrapbooking weekend retreat. Parents were coming over, Art was going to get stuff on the "honey do" list done. Did I mention this was expensive? And non-refundable as this point? And that I NEED this weekend after MONTH FROM HELL?
Last night my dad calls and informs us that they can't come this weekend but they would love Lexi to spend the weekend at their house. With their two cats. One of which is very fluffy. And Lexi has RAD.
Why can't they come? Sticking with the theme of month from hell, my dad casually informs, like he's telling me has a cold, that he had SKIN CANCER.
UM, WHAT?
A biopsy of a lesion on his leg was sent in, when he went for the follow up yesterday they tell him it was malignant skin cancer and send him to the hospital right away for emergency surgery (outpatient). The good news is that they got it all, he's 100% cancer free and it has not metasticized anywhere, he's 100% cured.
But still! Just hearing my dad had cancer almost made me throw up. And he needs to rest his leg this weekend and keep in elevated and can't lift heavy things like a 25 pound toddler, hence why Lexi should go to them.
I insist on canceling my weekend or Art just watching Lexi. My dear, sweet husband is awesome, though, and said, "No, this has been a rough month, you DESERVE this weekend. You are going."
So, the solution is Lexi will have a combo of parent's house, our house with Art filling in and going over there and monitoring her breathing and taking it from there.
And updating me.
But I feel guilty for going and yet I want, no, need to go.
What if Lexi has a flare up from the cat hair?
What if my dad's leg is worse than he's letting on?
I should go,right and now worry? Right?
Right.
And Lexi is on my lap watching me type and insisting that I type the word "ducks" for her, so here ya go:

DUCKS.

2011, you better get better!

2011-01-08T17:38:00.001-08:00

Well, this year's started out sucking like a straw!

First, Art sprains his ankle badly, ends up in the hospital and on crutches for a week.

Then, Lexi gets a cold.

Then, I get the flu.

Just as I'm getting better......

last night at 4:00 a.m. Art tells me he's calling an ambulance and going to the hospital. He had stomach pain so severe, he was white as a ghost and could barely walk. The paramedics get here and his blood pressure is pretty low and he's starting to kind of pass out.

They take him away in the ambulance and I, obviously, stay here with Lexi. The plan is to call my parents when she wakes up so they can come stay with her while I go to the hospital for Art-which worked out.

Art's discharged a few hours later with a diagnosis of food poisoning so severe they gave him a prescription for MORPHINE for the pain. He's been home and sleeping for 12 hours now.

I'm not completely over my illness either.

C'mon 2011, get better, please!

Dear

2011-01-06T17:08:00.001-08:00

Dear Toddler-ness:
I know this is a phase. I know. I know she is almost two. I know. I know phases like this pass. I was just reading older OD entries about whiny, fussy phases she went through and how I worried it was her personality but it proved to be a phase. I know its the same now.
But, seriously, it's getting old. I know it seems worse than it is because I have the cold from hell that just won't stop. I'm starting to think its the flu as it's been a week already and I feel worse and am achy.....but I digress.
But lately? Everything is a battle. EVERY. THING.
She wants to eat the bubbles in her bath, the answer is no. Result: whine, fuss, saying "MAD!" and an attempt to hit mommy or daddy. This is usually followed by her saying, "don't hit" but she's already done it.
She wants to eat cookies for dinner. No. Whine, fuss, "MAD", hit.
She doesn't want to wear her coat. Whine, fuss, "MAD", hit.
She doesn't want water, she wants juice. Whine, fuss, "MAD", throw cup, hit.
Everything from getting diapers and clothes on to getting into her high chair to brushing hair to cleaning up to not getting a toy to work the way she wants, to getting in the car seat is a cause for: whine, fuss, "MAD", hit.
I'm losing it.
Is it because this whole week I've been sick and her routine is all messed up, that she's spent 2 1/2 days at grandparents and the other 3 days I've been in bed or barely playing with her while daddy takes over? Is she mad that I'm not there so she expresses it with hitting?
She's very verbal and talks a lot (which I love, don't change that!) but its toddler talk and she's not able to express something like, "I'm feeling resentful that you used to take care of me all day, every day and give lots of hugs and this week you've not been here for me so I'm mad." So she hits.
Or she's hitting just because she's almost two.
Or because I'm a bad mom? (no....right?)
I love that little girl so much my heart breaks, but she's not very fun to be around right now. Anytime you want to pass on, toddler hit phase, feel free.
Sincerely,
Mommy

Lexi Reading

2010-12-28T06:30:00.001-08:00

Lexi reading a story from www.starfall.com. She had NEVER seen this story before, she was able to read most of the words the first time around. SO proud of my girl!

Christmas Eve

2010-12-24T19:53:00.001-08:00

My heart expanded even more tonight than I ever thought it could. Having Lexi has filled my heart and life with more joy than I thought possible. When I was longing for a child for so long its moments like tonight that I dreamed of and cried over ever having.

At my parents tonight for Christmas Eve Lexi was so happy and bouncy, pushing all the buttons on the musical ornaments to make them sing. Trying to get and eat any and all Christmas candy she could. Running around after the cats. Singing jingle bells. She is LOVING Christmas. Every day she is a ball of excitement as she sees decorations.

What is this poor child going to do in January when it all disappears?? LOL!

Anyway, last year at 9 months she had no idea what was going on, no concept of presents.

This year, she opened a present from Grandma and Grandpa..and she figure out how to pull and tear off the paper. And, here is where I was actually struck speechless with love, when she pulled the gift from the paper-it was a collection of "lift the flap" Elmo books-she actually opened her mouth wide and gasped with surprise and delight. She's never done that before, she was so happy and excited about her present, like she couldn't believe her "luck"!

Now I get why parents sometimes go crazy trying to find just that right present for their kid. Seeing her expression of joy, thankfulness and delight was so heart warming. Even, now I keep replaying it in my head, seeing her little mouth go wide, hearing her little intake of breath/gasp.

What the heck is she going to do tomorrow!!???

Then, after dessert we were saying good bye to my brother. Lexi turned to him and said, "bye bye" and 5 seconds later, WITHOUT PROMPTING from anyone, she looks at him and says, "Mewwy Kwissmas".

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hold on while I tear up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then, as if my heart wasn't full enough, the whole ride home, as I listened to Christmas music, I also listened to Lexi talking to herself. She would comment on the "kwissmas" lights she saw on houses, on the reindeer in people's yards. She would sing "Happy Birthday Jesus" and say "mewwy kwissmas" a few times, then go back to talking to herself. At one point, she started counting the lighted snowflake decorations on the lamp posts, I just heard "one.........two.......three.......four......etc" as we passed each one, then she'd giggle a little and go back to counting.

Then, with such happiness in her voice, she started to say, "mommy. daddy. Lexi. mommy. daddy. Lexi", she'd throw in an occasional "grandma, grandpa" too.

Best. Christmas Eve. Ever.

my future

2010-12-20T06:49:00.001-08:00

I thought everything was settled. I had gotten my Masters, had a successful and fulfilling career as a history teacher. Am taking a break to stay home with my daughter.

I was "supposed" to go back September 09 when she was 6 months old. That didn't happen.

I was then "supposed" to go back September 10 when she was 18 months old. That didn't happen.

I just couldn't wrap my mind or heart around someone else caring for her for such a long stretch of the day, it broke my heart actually. And, thank God, Art felt the same way, he's said, "she needs a full time mommy" and he's willing to make sacrifices and work insanely long hours to make it happen.

So, it was changed to I'm "supposed" to go back September 11 when she will be 2 1/2 .

After all, this was my career, it was settled....right?

Well, that's changed. Art and I talked a few nights ago and made a decision as a family that I will stay home at least till she's 4'ish/preschool probably until 5, kindergarten. Especially if we decide to adopt again, I'll want to be home with the newborn anyway.

This feels strange, but right. Are we using some of our savings/retirement/inheritance to meet expenses? Yes. Is it worth it? Heck, yes. We also figure I WILL go back to work full time one day, and I'll have around 25 more years of working until retirement age, enough time to build back up a small portion of what we spent while I was home.

So, I taught at a community college one night last semester. I liked it but it was a LOT of work for not a lot of money. They did invite me back for spring semester, but I'm not wild about the time of the class.

Then, God put something in my head and heart.....well, it's been there a loooong time but I've always assumed that 1) it would never happen or 2) if it was going to happen it would be when I was in my 50's or 60's.

Going back to school for my doctorate. Since high school, it's been a goal of mine to earn one. But, once I started working full time, married, had a kid, I put that idea away as something for retirement, if ever.

Well, God's been leading me to a specific university where I could go part time. But I had requirements. I thought I'd challenge God and say, "fine, if I'm going to go back, find me a university that has the following":

1. Doctorate mostly online, with, perhaps one or two week long residencies.

2. Ed.D in education, specifically on gifted education/history teaching (VERY rare to find even a brick and mortar uni that offers gifted specialization)

3. Affordable

4. Accredited by major teaching and education organizations, preferably national ones, so that my degree and possible supervisor certification will be accepted by most any district.

I googled "online doctorate gifted education accredited" and other forms of those words and got pretty much nothing.

I thought, "ha!, see, its impossible!"

Yeah, well, I should know not to say to God that something is impossible.

Not only did he bring me to a university (how is another long entry) that has ALL of those requirements listed above....but it's Christian.

Yup. A Christian university. A major one with a good reputation, even among secular organizations.

God said, "Ha to you! See, I did you one better, not only did I meet your requirements but I put them in a setting that's Christian for you!"

Since then, little things have been popping up. One day I wrote about how I wanted an iPad. Then I got an email from this uni saying, "apply and be eligible for a free iPad"

Then today I thought, 'this is crazy. I need a sign or something if I'm supposed to do this."

In my email today? From the uni, "apply and we'll waive the application fee."

A friend of mine, a few days ago, also thinking of going back to school researched this place BEFORE she knew I was and was planning to ask me about it, to see if I wanted to enroll with her....remember, this is all BEFORE I told anyone about this. When I told her, she looked stunned and said, "I was just going to tell you about this place."

Art is freaking out about the cost.

I'm freaking out about time management. Is this doable with a child? School? Doctorate? Really? Some of you, I'm thinking of one in particular, have done the back to school with a SAHM thing. And it was hard.

Advice?

Sprinkler

2010-11-25T20:54:00.001-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving to my readers. I miss blogging here. This is the first year since I started that I've skipped NoJoMo. I never would have believed that once I was a SAHM I'd have less time for blogging and scrapbooking. I am SO behind in Lexi's and the family albums. I think the last month's event I scrapped was.....July's!

Part of it is I'm just so darn busy and part of it is that by the time Lexi's in bed around 8:00'ish I'm TIRED and don't have the mental energy to be creative and scrap or write here. So I end up watching stuff on Hulu or Netflix or just roaming around the Interwebs or Facebook.

My day usually goes like this:

Up around 7:00'ish with Lexi, make beds, shower, dress, empty dishwasher, start laundry, check email while Art gives Lexi breakfast.

Play with Lexi until 10:00'ish.

Head out for some activity, either a play date, a mommy and me class, running errands, grocery shopping, etc until 12:00'ish

Home for lunch, Lexi down for nap around 1:30. I often lay down with her and sleep because I stay up so late most nights, also I love the bonding that that brings now that she's sleeping through the night most nights and not in our bed. When I don't nap with her I grade papers or lesson plan or do a quiet item from my "to-do" list. She gets up around 3:30'ish.

Snack and arts and crafts stuff till 4:15'ish.

Lexi plays by herself or follows me around while I clean and/or start dinner.

Dinner 6:00'ish

Family play time after dinner and/or daddy plays with Lexi while I clean up from dinner and tidy up the house.

Bath and bed around 7:30'ish.

Then I try to cram in stuff for "me" time: reading a novel, catching up on blogs and news, watching some TV, whatever. I usually end up going to bed between 12:00 and 1:00. I know it should be earlier, but night is the ONLY time I have completely to myself or Art and I have alone.

I know this is just for a season and, in the end, I LOVE my life and little girl and would not change a thing. Well, maybe I'd make us so rich I could hire a full time housekeeper and chef, but other than that, nope!

Tonight at Thanksgiving dinner, Lexi stretched out her arms and started doing what looked like that dance move "the sprinkler" where you jerk your arms back and forth like a.....backyard sprinkler. I laughed and said, "look she's doing the sprinkler!" and everyone laughed. She caught on that she was amusing us and kept doing it, on and off, for a good 20 minutes. I have a picture I'll upload later. She would put her arms out and say, "spink-ler" and laugh with us. This age, 20 months, is so delightful. Yes, full of temper tantrums and "NO" and "MAD" but also so full of cutsie stuff I want to freeze her in time!

Shutterfly Rocks!!

2010-11-24T17:22:00.000-08:00

They are having a deal where if you blog about them, you get 50 free Christmas cards. Well, I'd brag on them anyway, but adding in free cards? Ya-hoooo!

I've used Shutterfly for a few years now, to develop my digital prints. And I LOVE them. It is so easy and FAST to upload my tons of photos to their website. Once my photos are uploaded, I can store them, sort them, create albums and order prints and other fun things. For the past few holidays, I used them for my cards, I use their photo cards here: http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-photo-cards

Everyone loves our cards every year. They look great and they arrive so fast after ordering them. What I also like is how easy it is to customize them with your own text and even to rearrange the pictures. I can't wait to browse. I mean look at this one

That's not my daughter or family, but you can see what cool graphics they have. And they have PAGES AND PAGES of stuff like this, even religious themed ones which I usually use.

The first Christmas with my daughter, I got my Dad (grandpa!) a mug like these: http://www.shutterfly.com/photo-gifts/photo-mugs with the baby's picture on it. My dad is so head over heels with his granddaugther and he now has a mug he uses at work with her picture on it that he shows to everyone!

This year I'll make wall calendar like this http://www.shutterfly.com/calendars/wall-calendars for the grandparents to love and brag on about their grand baby!!

So, go, check them out.

stuff

2010-11-23T19:00:00.001-08:00

Just stuff....
Stuff.....like........
Lexi wore 12 month clothing for a long time, up until about 2 weeks ago (she just turned 20 months). 18 month stuff was big on her, especially in the arms/legs. Then it started to fit over the last two weeks. Today, while trying to dress her, a couple of 18 month shirts and pants were too small. She was in 12 month for so long has she just breezed through 18 in 2 weeks? I don't know why, but I'm so NOT ready for her to be in 2T clothes.
:-(
I guess the difference between 18 month and 2T is hitting me. 18 month is still "in the months", still, kind of a baby. But 2T? No more month ages, she'll be "just" 2. Ack. It's hitting me in my soft spot how fast she's growing up. Guess I better pull out all the 2T stuff I had packed away in her closet to save until she was, you know, actually 2 (which won't be till March)!
She's also hitting the terrible two's early, God help me. She recently started doing this fake, whine/cry dramatic tantrumy thing. She doesn't fall on the floor and kick and scream, she just fake cries pretty hard and makes herself look all distressed. When I say, "stop", she immediately stops and continues playing like "dang, I got called out!". She also in in love with the words "mad" and "no". I must hear them 45,683,45 a day.
Everything is no, even things she wants. "Lexi, do you want your milk?" "NO!" as she gulps down her milk!
And when things don't go her way-and I mean ANYthing like not getting a cookie when she wants, her puzzle piece not going in the puzzle fast enough, her sock falling off, ANYthing, she scrunches up her face and declares indignantly, "MAD! MAD! No like it! MAD!"
At times it makes me laugh, which I try to hide. I don't want to invalidate her feelings. And at times, like when its 5:00 p.m. and I've had about all the "MAD"'s I can take, I want to tell her to get over it, but I don't 'cause she's too young. I really don't know how to handle this. I usually just say to her, "I understand you are mad because fill in the blank with whatever made her mad" and then move on.
There's a part of me that's starting to get the baby bug and wanting another newborn and there's a part of me that just wants to be DONE and have Lexi be an only. Neither side is stronger than the other. I love our little family of three. But I also realize its not so much what Art and I WANT but what would be best for Lexi. And we don't know if that would be being an only or having a sib. Even if we do decide to go for a sib, we'd wait to start any paperwork until she turned, at least, 2. I would want her to be quite near 3 when/if a sib were to come along.

4 Legged Duck

2010-11-16T19:17:00.001-08:00

You know, people who work full time as nannies-in someone's home or as a live in-are considered full time workers, they have a JOB, the WORK...so why are stay at home moms considered to be "not working"? Why is being a SAHM deemed by some to be "well, you're home all day, you have lots of free time." Does a nanny have free time?

Sure, if I plopped Lexi down in front of TV and videos all day, I'd have lots of free time but that's not how I want to raise her. So, yes, I'm "home" all day (not really) but no, I don't have a lot of free time.

Because in addition to RAISING Lexi-which encompasses play dates and music class and outings, I also run the household errands, try to stay on top of the laundry and cleaning, put a meal on the table most nights, complete my assignments for my photography class, prepare lessons and grade papers for my part time job teaching college, prepare the once a month Bible study I teach at church (it meets every week but teachers rotate and teach once a month), prepare the once a month online devotional I write for my church, prepare the crafts and messages for my MOPS group that I'm a co-leader in, prepare my Sunday school lessons I teach one month, off for two, and oh, yeah, try to find time to shower and look non sloth like.

All while working this around Lexi's meal times and nap.

We SAHM's ROCK, don't we? We could run a small country. In fact, I think we do.

No wonder Mother's Day exists.

Tonight Art is with a friend who lives in Florida, he only sees him a few times a year. They are spending the day/night in New York. So Lexi and I headed out to our local diner for dinner. Every Tuesday they have "kids" night with face painting, balloons, characters and a free toy for each kid. We go every once in awhile. The food's good and cheap and Lexi loves seeing the characters. She doesn't watch TV but she still enjoys seeing a giant sponge or an astronaut (Buzz Lightyear) or a Princess (Cinderella). Sometimes its even one she does know, like Elmo. She always, always, always gets a duck (what a surprise) painted on her arm. The woman who does it is very good.

Tonight there was a substitute. At least I hope she was only subbing and not a permanent replacement because she, well....she didn't seem that bright.

And that assessment was clinched when Lexi requested her usual duck-on-the-arm and the woman did a kind of blobby duck...and painted 4 legs on it. So not kidding.

Have you ever seen a duck? A bird? A chicken? Two legs, sweetie, two legs.

Family Life

2010-11-07T19:52:00.001-08:00

Art and Lexi on a train ride at some autumn festival we went too. LOVE this photo, you can see the joy they take in each other. This, THIS is what I longed for so much in our waiting for a baby. Moments like this bring tears to my eyes. I knew Art would be a good Daddy. My two favorite people!

That's right, kids in the our household must earn their keep!

Actually, this is Lexi's first official family chore. 19 months, we've given her one chore! She "seeps" (sweeps) the floor after dinner; which is fitting since the majority of food on it is from her! We bought her her own child sized hand broom and dustpan (the red one) and I work alongside her using the grown up green one. She likes doing it.

She even knows how to dump the dustpan into the garbage. Sure, sometimes the dustpan ends up IN the garbage with the swept up food, but, no biggie!

Catching Up!

2010-11-05T17:59:00.001-07:00

Why does time always seem to go so fast in the fall? Even though I'm not working on the teacher's fall schedule anymore, it seems that fall does speed up with other activities. This week was a little crazy. I had a lesson to teach at my women's Bible study, I had a talk to give at my MOPS meeting and a devotional to write on a joint blog of my church I'm part of. Add to this, Lexi came down with a cold and my crazy brother is causing more problems.

Ack. I just need to slow down or have time slow down or something.

So....here's some things that've been on my mind in no particular order:

1. I don't know why but I love reading you, my fellow bloggers/readers. I just love seeing glimpses into your life. I feel like I have all these virtual friends, its cool.

2. Teaching college has been....interesting. My students range in age from right out of high school to a few years older than me. Some are full time students, some are part time, some are parents, some work, some don't, some are there for their A.A. degree, some are planning to transfer to a four year, for some English is not their first language. It's a really diverse mix. The first few classes, I admit, I floundered a bit. I was nervous and unsure of myself. I didn't pace my lessons well because I have never taught for a 3.5 hour block of time before! I either over planned or under planned. My lectures were either too disorganized or too bland. I just keep reminding myself that the first year teaching-at any level-is always hit or miss, always a learning period. My first year teaching middle school was the same way. Over time, with experience, you get the hang of it. I know that will happen here if I keep going with this. I am waiting to hear if they will invite me back to teach Spring semester. And I might take the leap and ask to teach 2 courses-if I can get over the guilt about leaving Lexi for 2 afternoons/nights a week. Tell me I don't need to feel guilty for working, even part time? Right? Right??

As far as the subject matter, I know it pretty well. I've taught Western Civilization for 11 years....but in middle school. The content, of course, is the same, but the way I present it needs to be totally different. I'm also reading the textbook along with the students as its one I've never used/taught from before and that is time consuming. At least if I teach this same course in the Spring I'll have read the book and prepared my lectures and Power Points and I'll just need to tweak the syllabus a bit.

I'm really starting to feel that this may be where God wants me for awhile. If Art and I can hold the line financially with his salary and my teaching 1-2 courses a semester, I may be able to stay home with my daughter until she goes to school or/if we adopt again and have a newborn (don't ask about that, Art and I are both not sure what we want to do about that yet: give Lexi a sib or keep her an only). I feel a little sad about this. I really, really, I mean REALLY love teaching middle school and high school. And I do still miss it. I loved teaching for the public school system and miss that. I miss my friends at my old building, the routine. But, you know, say I don't go back until Lexi is in school full time and/or a possible 2nd child is in school-so what? Right? At some point my kid(s) will all be in school and I can go back to teaching in a public school if I want to.

3. Lexi, my darling child, is starting to enter the "Terrible Twos" at barely 19 months. My, my but my girlie girl has a temper! When she doesn't get what she wants, she scrunches up her face and says, "Mad! Mad! I Mad!" and pouts. Usually it lasts for just a few minutes and she finds something else to be interested in. But she's also begun the lovely toddler stage of....hitting. When I say, "no, you can't have that whatever-it-is-she wants" she'll come over and smack my leg or if I'm holding her, my chest or arm.

Awesome.

I just grab her hand, redirect and say, "nice, nice touch, gentle" and it usually works. She'll stop hitting and caress me and say, "niiiiiice." And just as often she'll go to smack me or Art and stop herself and say, "niiiiice" and caress instead. I've seen her do that with her toys too. She'll smack a toy around that she's frustrated with, but then say, "niiiice" and give it a rub down.

I'm assuming this is normal and it will pass. When she was going through the biting phase (remember that?) months ago, we did the same thing: redirect and she doesn't bite anymore. So, I'm hoping, praying, believing that this hitting phase will pass too.

But....she's also going through her own "give me my personal space" stage. If anyone besides me, Art, Grandma or Grandpa (and a couple people she loves from the church nursery) try to touch her arm, pat her hand or something, she pulls back and clearly and vehemently says, "No! No!" while shaking her head. I'm teaching her to say, nicely, "no thank you" which comes out "no ank ou" instead of yelling no.

I get one of three reactions when this happens.

First-a person who doesn't have kids or whose kids are grown and they don't remember will be a little offended and give me a look like "well, you are raising a brat"

Second-a person who doesn't have kids or whose kids are grown thinks its cute and says, "no? no?" back to Lexi in a cute voice and THEN CONTINUES TO TRY AND TOUCH HER by tickling her or something. Which makes her "mad! mad!" and she ends up hitting them....and then they turn into the person from the first response above. I say to them, "she doesn't want to be touched right now" but I can tell they think she's a prima donna or something. But...you know what? Lexi has a right to say who does or doesn't touch her. I stop her from hitting (niiiice, niiiice) but she does have a right to say no.

Third-a person with kids around Lexi's age, laughs and gets it and understands and just backs off.

4. Long time readers will get a kick out of this next one. Remember our house getting robbed 2 years ago? And about 25 other houses in my development also getting robbed, all the same time of day and in the same M.O.? And then the guy was caught last year, but only got probation and some drug rehab but he had to show up for drug court? Well, the lawyer called us yesterday, he didn't show up for drug court so now there is a warrant out for his arrest. So my fricking genius of a husband decides to try and find out just who this guy is...and looks him up on facebook. Is Art awesome or what!!!???

And, yup, he found him. His personal info right there, living in the same town as us and bragging about how he was in the county lock up and how he was going back 'cause he missed drug court. This kid just turned 21 and his FB page reads like an Eminem wanna-be. All his status updates are "bitches and hos" and "my ni*&#$@" and stuff like that. He also posts about not having a job and smoking weed. He has some pictures up there. In a few he looks like your average, nice guy 20 something, someone you'd hire to rake your lawn or something. But in most of them, he's all gangsta'd out. He's this Italian white guy trying to be ghetto. Yeah, dude, you grew up on the mean streets of "name of my affluent town", get over yourself!

It's creepy to have a face, now, to go with this. To know who was going through my closet and drawers, stealing our computers and safe; to have a face to picture doing it is strange. But also, satisfying, in a way, hard to explain.

And that's what's been going on with me.

I Wanna Know....

2010-10-24T20:05:00.001-07:00

I have no idea why this happens....help me mommy readers!

For me and Art: Lexi goes to sleep around 8:00'ish. She goes down easily after her bath and stories and bedtime routine. She usually wakes once, sometime between 12-2 a.m. Very rarely, she'll also wake earlier, around 10'ish and just need a little back rub to go back to sleep. At the late waking, though, she wakes up and cries for us or gets out of her bed and comes looking for us.

If we put her back to sleep in her bed, she's up again in a little less than an hour....so we end up taking her in with us. Which, we don't mind that part, we are committed to co-sleeping with her for awhile longer.

But....EVERY time Grandma and Grandpa (my parents) have her for the weekend-at our house, no less, they come here, Art and I go away somewhere, Lexi goes to bed like normal......

....and sleeps through the entire night without a sound, a waking up, a getting out of bed. Nothing. Straight through. 12 hours.

Every time.

I'm banging my head against the wall trying to figure out what they are doing right/different and we are doing wrong/different.

Perhaps they play harder with her? They don't see her as much as we do, obviously, so they tend to go-go-go when they have her: to the park, to the zoo, they play hard with her the whole time. Whereas, Art and I play hard with her, sometimes it's just normal, calm, her playing in her playroom. We can't be going out and about every where all day, every day, real life won't permit that.

Are the grandparents just tiring her out more? Does Lexi wake and realize we are not there, so just quietly goes back to sleep and the grandparents none the wiser?

I wanna know the secret, gramma and grampa!!!!!!

can't believe the difference!

2010-10-07T16:47:00.001-07:00

Hayride 2009:

Hayride 2010

Pumpkins 2009

Pumpkins 2010

Cruise: Ports of Call

2010-10-02T18:46:00.001-07:00

We stopped in Port Canaveral, Florida where it was raining and storming, so we didn't do anything there. Then we went to the Bahamas where we spent one day on their private island (LOVED IT) and one day in Nassau. In Nassau Art and I took Lexi to the Atlantis Resort where we visited the aquarium. Art and I were at the resort on our honeymoon and ate in this restaurant with paper tablecloths that you can write on. We have the one from our honeymoon framed and hanging up. So we went to this same restaurant for lunch and drew on the tablecloth again...this time with Lexi adding her drawings! We'll have that one framed and hung up next to the honeymoon one.

Pulling into the private island.

Isn't it beautiful!

Lexi playing in the sand.

Letting us know she was hot, tired and ready to head back to the ship.

A virgin pina colada perked her right up.

The water was crystal clear, warm and full of pretty fish. Lexi loved it and was jumping and running in the water. Unfortunately....she also had a poop explosion in the water...and Art took her to change her....but the restrooms had no baby changing tables....it was a disaster. I'll let him tell the story! I don't have pictures of us in the water except some the ship's people took, I'll have to scan them in.

At the aquarium.

Touch tank!

Love this shot of my hubby and baby!

Horse drawn carriage ride through downtown Nassau

Loved the name of this restaurant!

It really was the best vacation I'd ever been on and not just because we had the super nice suite. It was our first vacation as a family of 3 (I know we went to Lancaster this summer but my parents were with us and Art was sick and didn't really do any of the stuff with us) and it was such a blessing to be able to see Art and Lexi interact, explore, have fun. It was so wonderful to be away from the computer and FB, the cell phone and work, emails and TV. It was an entire week of just being together and having fun as a family. And how long have I longed for this? Dear readers of mine who've been following me since way before Lexi arrived, you KNOW how much I dreamed of things like this.

God is good.

I don't want to forget, part II

2010-09-28T19:01:00.001-07:00

I know, I know I need to finish the cruise pictures and story!

But I just want to get this down before it's gone. Lexi's language is just exploding. She talks. ALL. DAY. LONG. Mostly one or two words about her day, sometimes strings of babble that is obviously a sentence but I have no idea what she is saying.

We actually have conversations, in a way. And I LOVE it. I treasure it. I've got to get it on tape, it's so beautiful. You all may find it boring, so feel free to skip, but I wanted to get down our conversation as we played the half hour or so before her bath:

M = me/mommy

L = Lexi

Scene: alphabet blocks strewn all over the floor, along with various stuffed ducks and books and toys.

L: (picking up a plastic ice cream cone): me-meem (ice cream), mmmmmm, yummy

M: Lexi likes ice cream!

L: mmmmmm!!!

L: (picking up a plastic duck that 'swims' in this toy she has) Duck! Duck! Quack! Quack! Quack! (putting the duck in the water) 'im (swim), 'im, 'im!

M: The duck is swimming!

L: (picking up the letter A alphabet block): A! A! (pointing to the picture of the airplane on the side) 'ahhpane, 'ahhpane

L: (tossing the block aside and running over to her basket of books, she pulls out a book of "first words/pictures" and opens to the page with the picture of an airplane) 'ahhpane.

M: That's right, that's an airplane like the one on the block.

M: (I start to sing this song from her swim class. I don't remember all of it, so I'm kind of faking the words): Hurry, hurry, hurry, get the fire truck, hurry, hurry, get the ladder.....

L: (looking at me very quizzically, brow furrowed, then she runs over to this basket of foam letters and picks out, randomly, a K, G and W and brings them to me): K! G! W!

I'm confused as to what the connection is...then I figure it out. When I sang "get the ladder" she must have heard/thought I was saying, "get the letter", too cute!!

L: (pushing a button on a toy to make it play music and beginning to dance and giggle)

M: Lexi dancing!

L: (claps her hands) Yay! (Grabs a doll and makes the doll dance, then walk) baby. 'alk (walk) (puts the doll on this play table and chair set) 'it (sit) (grabs play food and gives it to the baby) 'ood! (food) mmmmm!!!

M: The baby is sitting and eating! Yummy!

M: Let's clean up, it's time for your bath!

L: (beginning to put the blocks back in the box) up, up (clean up)! baf! (bath) awdun (all done), uppy, uppy (up, her way of saying pick me up).

And we head off to the bath. I can't get enough of this cute stage!!

The Boat!

2010-09-23T18:00:00.001-07:00

Our cruise was on the Norwegian Jewel and left from New York; it went to Florida and the Bahamas. Art surprised me by upgrading our room to a suite! It was huge! It had TWO bathrooms, a living room, dining area and bedroom. It came with our own butler as well...a freaking butler! Free water and soda in the fridge daily, free fruit bowl and dessert treats daily. It was on one of the best cruises I've ever been on. Lexi had a blast, she enjoyed the ship and the ports of call. They had some nice kids activities, as I'll blog about, and Lexi just also enjoyed running around the ship and looking at the ocean.

Art and Lexi on our bed, watching some TV. Notice the nice balcony behind them, it was at the front of the ship! Lexi enjoyed playing out there. However, one day, while docked in the Bahamas, Lexi tossed a pink plastic duck overboard just to see what would happen....it was pretty funny. So, thanks to Lexi, there's now a pink plastic duck floating somewhere in the Caribbean Sea!

The boat!

Lexi devouring crab wontons in the Asian restaurant on board.

Art slicing bananas for Lexi one morning....in our room's dining area.

Double sink in the bathroom.

Bathtub (with Lexi's toys) with a window overlooking the ocean! There was a shower stall on the other side.

Living room, right behind the dining area.

Our butler (!), Nelson, setting the table for in room breakfast one morning. You can see the bedroom right behind.

Lexi playing in the toddler playroom (they had a kids program, starting at age 2, so for the under 2 kids, they had a separate playroom), we went there almost every day. She loved it. Doesn't she look so big here, so kid like, all the baby in her gone!!??

Lexi loved running up and down the hallway outside our room. She would stop, point at the fish and say, "fisshhhh!"

There were a lot of kids on board, a lot her age too. This boy was a few weeks younger than her. Whenever she'd see him, she'd go up to him, get right in his face (like you see here!) and say, "Hi! Hi! Hi!" and try to get him to play with her.

One of the kids' activities was decorate your own cupcake. Here's Lexi eating her masterpiece.

Running around in one of the lounges.

Again, trying to make friends. Everywhere there were kids, she'd go right up to them and engage them and get them to talk and play with her.

Playing peek-a-boo

They had Nick (Nickolodeon....sp?) on board. This was a Nick-On-Board activity, story time with the characters. She doesn't watch the shows, so didn't know who they were, but she enjoyed seeing them anyway. They also had meet and greet character times, breakfast with the characters, etc. Here she is, I think, blowing kisses to one of them....can't remember.

Listening to the story with daddy. And who was the character?

D-D-D-D-Dora!

Next up, Bahama's beach port!

I want to remember her now

2010-09-22T17:09:00.001-07:00

Lexi turns 18 months today. So, as of tomorrow, she's moving closer to two. Sniff sniff!

I know it goes fast so I want to record what she's like now.

She loves to giggle and be silly, she loves having daddy or mommy chase her around the house and "get her". She LOVES it when daddy swings her high in the air. She enjoys dancing and twirling around until she gets dizzy.

She knows so much I can't keep track. She will follow any direction you give her, even ones I don't think she'll understand, she does. I never taught her the word "puzzle" or "puzzle piece" but after playing with a puzzle today I told her to "put the puzzle piece down" to see if she knew what I meant, and, yup, she did, she put the piece down right away! She follows directions really well and its rare that she disobeys. She does, of course, have this insatiable toddler curiosity sometimes that when I say, "stop" or "come here" she is so into whatever she's doing, she doesn't listen.

She'll say please and thank you when prompted, also sometimes you're welcome.

She loves to climb. Anything and everything. You really have to watch her because she has no fear and will just take off climbing something huge. She has also started this cute thing, when playing outside she turns to me and says, "bye bye" and walks across the lawn towards the sidewalk, pretending to leave. Then she turns around and comes running and giggling back to me.

When she does do something wrong and daddy or I scold her she gets this hang dog-poor me look and says, "Hi! Hi! Hi!" in a cute way to try and get back in our good graces! Adorable!

Her appetite changes daily. One day she'll try and eat anything and everything. The next, only goldfish crackers and eggs. One day she eats 3 huge meals and 2 snacks. The next, she'll barely nibble at anything. She still calls every drink "milk" but she does know when it's not milk (for example, water).

She has a serious sweet tooth and will chow down on fruit all day if I let her.....and ice cream, cake, cookies, lollipops which we don't keep in the house. So when she sees them, out at dinner or at Grandma and Grandpa's house she gets excited and savors it.

She speaks sentences in her toddler language and we have no idea what she's saying. She's starting to use prepositions, saying, "a duck" or "a fish" sometimes. She's mastered plurals. She'll take one doll and say, "baby", then take two dolls and say, "babies". She's also mastered the possessive. She'll point to my drink, for example, and say, "Mommy's" then point to her drink and say, "x-ee's" (that's how she says her name).

She loves crayons and pens and loves to "write". When given paper and pens/crayons she'll write squiggles and lines and say, "x-ee" telling us she "wrote" her name or she'll say, "A" or "D" or some other letter.

She can read her name and knows it when you spell it for her out loud. If you ask her, "what's your name?" she'll proudly tell you"x-ee". She knows her last name is Hannah and sometimes says, "x-ee annah".

She knows all the letters, upper and lower case and numbers 1-10. She knows the following shapes: star, heart, square, circle, triangle and sometimes oval. She knows the following colors: red, blue, green, yellow, purple and sometimes orange. She will point out and say these letters, numbers, shapes, colors whenever she gets a chance.

Her favorite toys right now are: her dollhouse and it's accessories, including the car, boat and bus and people. Her play food, cups, plates and this little toy table. She loves to sit her ducks or dolls at the little table and serve them meals of "ood" (food). Her favorite entree that she serves: ice cream, corn and an apple! She also likes to play with her toy horses and ducks and loves to play outside. She adores books and will want me to read 4-5 to her at a time. She can read quite a few words (thank you "Your Baby Can Read"!) and will often point out words she knows in the text of the book. For example, one book says, "now close your eyes," she can read "eyes" so I'll say, "now close your........" and she'll point to the word "eyes" and say, "eyes!!"

On a map of the 7 continents she knows Asia, Africa, North America and Antarctica.

She knows her house number is 14 and when we go in the front door, she points to it and says, "ourteen"

She can't get enough techie stuff: cell phones, house phone, computer, remotes for the tv-if its within her reach, she'll grab and play with it. She's figured out how to unlock my iPhone already.

She knows the following body parts: head, hair, eyes, nose, cheek, chin, mouth, lips, teeth, tongue, neck, arms, hands, fingers, leg, knees, foot, toe, belly/bellybutton and her privates.

She is wearing clothes anywhere from 12-18 months. Some 18 month stuff is still way too big on her and some is just right. Some 12 month stuff is way too small on her and some is just right. She is wearing a child's size 5 shoe.

Her favorite foods right now are: pizza, but only real pizzeria pizza, she doesn't care for frozen pizza or the kiddie pizzas you get at restaurants; hot dogs, french fries, any fruit but especially berries, peaches and bananas, green beans, grapes, goldfish crackers, cheese, eggs, yogurt, Gerber graduates pasta rings with meat sauce and the Target brand of Gerber graduates' Pasta Primavera.

She has all her teeth, except her two year molars. She loves her bath but hates getting her hair washed. She also hates having her fingernails clipped. She enjoys swimming as well.

She enjoys being around older kids and likes to try and join in with their running and playing.

She knows the names of most of her friends and of most of my friends!

She adores her grandparents.

So much in just a year and a half, huh!

Praise God!

2010-09-20T15:07:00.001-07:00

It was the lollipop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No juvenile diabetes, no glucose in her urine!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also, her urine showed no signs of a UTI either so we can stop the antibiotics!

Thanks for your prayers!

sugar not so sweet

2010-09-17T19:25:00.001-07:00

Lexi's bloodwork came back, everything normal except two things:

1. it shows she has severe allergies, we already knew that

2. her glucose was high, 132.

So.....she did eat an entire lollipop right before the blood test, she was actually sucking on the last bits of it as we were called in. I read in a few parenting books that tasting sugar lessens the pain of blood draws for children...so gave her a lollipop right before.

The high glucose could be just the effect of the lollipop...or, as her pediatrician said today, might indicate juvenile diabetes.

I've been a nervous wreck all day. We weren't able to get a urine sample out of her today, will get one tomorrow and bring it to the lab. We probably won't hear until Monday or Tuesday.

If the results are negative, it was the lollipop.

If the results are positive, we have to do a 2nd blood test, fasting probably and go from there.

So, pray that the lollipop was the culprit.

And pray for me to just calm down.

The Pee Chronicles

2010-09-16T17:23:00.001-07:00

Blood test done, Lexi freaked out, more at being restrained than the pain of the needle I think. She lost it pretty bad in the lab. My heart broke as she struggled and kicked and cried so hard I thought her heart was breaking. As soon as they were done, she was over it.

That's my kid. They gave me this urine collection thing for her but didn't tell me how to use it. When I asked for instructions, they said, "You'll figure it out."

It was this plastic bag, like a sandwich baggie, with a U shaped strip of adhesive on it. The adhesive, I figured, I was supposed to attach to her vagina and then she'd pee in the bag. The bag is very thin so you can wear a diaper with it and the baby doesn't even notice it. Although, how you NOT notice adhesive on your vagina, that's another story.

So, I applied it (nothing like putting a sticker on your kid's vagina to know you're really in the mom trenches) and it looked right. An hour later I go to check and, yes, she had peed, but it didn't go in the baggie.

So, now the baggie's wet, the adhesive's wet and ruined, I have no urine specimen and they didn't give me another baggie thing.

Great.

So, tomorrow I will try what I did when I got Lexi's first specimen for the doctor. Clean her little potty bowl well, give her two full juice boxes-which she loves and I rarely give her so when she gets them she sucks them down-sit her on her potty, turn water on for inspiration and wait and read books till she pees. Then, pour the pee into the collection cup they also gave me.

Now, here's the interesting part-the lab closes at 3.

I have a MOPS (a mom's group) meeting in the morning of which I am one of the leaders. It's the first one of the year and I have to/want to be there. This is the group with my closest friends. The group ends at 11:30 but we usually end up chatting and all having lunch together until 12:30 and then Lexi falls asleep in the car on the way home, from about 1-3. So...when, exactly, am I supposed to drop off this pee?

And if I collect her pee in the morning is it...ok to hold on to all day before dropping it off?

Maybe I can recruit Art to drop off the pee? Although he works flea markets on Fridays and isn't home till 2:00'ish.

Can you believe this???

If you have read this far, I commend you! Now you know more about my daughter's pee issues than most.

You know, this is a huge PITA, it's kind of gross (you know, I'm collecting URINE), it's difficult waiting for the results and wondering....but this is all part of being a mom.

And I waited so long to be one and wanted so badly to be one that even in the midst of this rough and gross patch, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Buh-bye

2010-09-01T13:14:00.001-07:00

I usually love summer, my favorite season, yeah yeah yeah.
I'm sure, when I was working, that it had something to do with...not working in the summer.
Now that I'm a SAHM summer is just another season. And, let me tell you, this one was not fun.
SO glad to say "buh-bye."
I found out that all the programs I had Lexi in, break over the summer!
So, we had nothing except wide open days. It drove me nuts. I can't wait for all the "stuff" to start again: Bible Study Tuesdays, MOPS Fridays, Little Rockers Thursdays, etc.
And this summer my home was grand central for germs. As I wrote in my last entry, it's been one of us sick the ENTIRE summer.
We better be dang healthy during flu season. A friend of mine suggested I get plants for each room of the house, as they cleanse the air.
:::shudder::: Long time readers of me will remember that I am CREEPED OUT by plants in the house, but I'll deal with it if they help us stay well.
This friend also suggested getting our air ducts cleaned, which we've never had done since we moved in 3 year ago.
So, I'll be buying plants and getting our air ducts cleaned when we get back.
What? What's that? Back from where??
That's right, I am going on another vacation! Art surprised me with a cruise! Before Lexi we cruised a lot, after Lexi, not once. We both miss it. We had decided not to go this summer due to expense...but at the last minute Art says, "life is short, let's do it."
So, we leave this Saturday on NCL for a week in Florida and the Bahamas. I can't wait to see Lexi's reaction to the boat and to swimming in crystal blue water in the Caribbean.
A great way to say good bye to summer and to relax before the craziness of fall starts.
I start teaching my college course new job on the 27th, so we get back in plenty of time for me to prep for that.
I had orientation for this new job last night and I got very excited about it. I'm still nervous, but excited. I couldn't believe how good it felt to put on professional clothes and makeup again. I felt like a real grown-up!
It also felt good to be talking education and teaching and history and getting back into it.
So far my class has 2 students enrolled...pray that more enroll so they won't have to cancel it!

Family Drama

2010-08-18T18:25:00.001-07:00

Part One: in which my family becomes a soap opera.

A while back a woman contacted my mom via Facebook (FB) saying they might possibly be related. She's a few years younger than my mom, lives in North Carolina and is researching her ancestry. In her research, she found pictures and documents about/with my mom's mother in them (my maternal grandmother), and, much to her surprise, my grandmother was married to this woman's father before she married my grandfather.

It's complicated. Growing up my mom remembers a lot of secrecy about her mother's past and whenever my mom would ask why she was an only child, her mother would change the subject. Everything was very hush-hush. Turns out, my grandmother was married to this man, John F. in Richmond (where she's from) but she up and left him. There are pictures of her with John F. and a marriage certificate. The woman who contacted my mom, Peggy, is John F.'s daughter.

BUT, everyone has a big but, while there is a marriage certificate, there is no divorce certificate or papers anywhere. And from the letters/research Peggy has, it seems my grandmother just up and left John F. and he was very bitter and depressed for awhile. Eventually he remarried the woman that would be Peggy's mother.

My mom has never found and ancestry records do not have any marriage records for my grandmother to my grandfather (my mom's dad). What Peggy and my mom believed was: my grandmother married John F., got pregnant with my mom and took off, only to marry/live with my grandfather. Did she tell him about the baby? Did she let him believe it was hers? If this was true, it would make Peggy and my mom half-sisters, and John F., not my grandfather, my mom's biological dad.

Adding to this mystery, the pictures of the Peggy and the John F. clan look exactly like my mom. So much so, that one particular picture totally creeps me out. It's my mom with different colored hair. I even showed it to Lexi and she identified the picture as grandma.

BUT....my mom and Peggy did a DNA test and it came out that they were not related. I know DNA doesn't lie, but the pictures are so eerily look alikes to my mom, I don't know what's going on. In any case, Peggy's dad was married to my grandma at some point, so Peggy and my mom are now calling each other pseudo-step-sisters and have developed a friendship.

This spurred me on to begin researching my family's ancestry. On my mom's side I've gone pretty far back. My mom's people come from old Virginia stock, from colonial days. I've gone back pretty far, before the Revolution. Also, living in the South, my relatives owned slaves and fought for the Confederacy. (gulp!). I even found, in the archives, a document from the early 1800's of my great-great-great-etc-grandfather's list of slaves and their names.

On my Dad's side, I've hit a dead end with his great grandfather, in Italy. Both my dad's parents came to America from Italy in the 30's, so almost all the documents are a)in Italy and b)in Italian which I can't read. Also, my family surname is a very common one in Italy (think Smith in America) so I'm finding lots of info....but not really sure which is us.

I am thrilled that my ancestry is a commingling of the American story: one side here from colonial days, old blue bloods and all that and the other side is the immigrant/Ellis island/New York tenement living story.

All of this research really got me thinking about Lexi and her biological ancestry. I began researching her biological roots, but can't get past her birth mother, since I have so little info on her and nothing at all on birth father. I wonder if Lexi will wonder about these things, will she want to know who her people are? Will she feel a void not knowing much at all about her blood line? I wish her birth mother would have been willing to talk more about her past, I hope Lexi understands it all.

What I do know about Lexi's heritage (all from birth mother side, nothing on birth father side):

1. She is Cambodian, most likely Cambodian-Chinese, who make up a large part of Cambodia.

2. Her biological surname is a Chinese surname, not a Khmer (Cambodian) one and her skin tone/features lean toward a mixed Cambodian/Chinese heritage.

3. Her birthmother and birthgrandmother came to the states when her birthmother was about 7 years old to escape the killing fields of the Khmer Rogue. Many ethnic Cambodian/Chinese were targeted in an effort at ethnic cleansing to rid the country of anyone not pure Khmer.

4. Her birthmother and grandmother and brother escaped Cambodia using a network of smugglers and spent some time in a U.N. refugee camp in, I think, Thailand, before coming to California.

5. They moved to Massachusetts when her birthmother was about 11.

Stay tuned for drama, part two.....

Railroad

2010-08-15T18:30:00.001-07:00

Our final day we ended up at the Strasburg Railroad, I say ended up because that's exactly what happened. We had planned to visit this Amish working farm but when we got there it was neither Amish nor working. It was a bunch of scraggly, sick looking animals and this middle aged suburban woman and her husband. We found out the "wagon ride" was actually just a cart pulled around to look at fields. While we were debating what to do Lexi was looking at the cows, cats and one rabbit that were RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER IN THE OPEN and the woman said, "let's settle finances, you can't look at the animals for free, it's $8 EACH".

I said, nope, we're leaving! We got in the car and headed out. It was a very HOT day and we were passing the railroad and I just said, "let's take a train ride". It just so happened that as soon as we pulled in, a train was getting ready to leave. We paid for tickets to the "presidential car" which was the only one with a/c and so worth it. It was a car built in 1913 for Woodrow Wilson. We took a 45 minute ride through the countryside and saw farms and animals. We had our own private car and they served snacks and drinks. Lexi loved it.

Pictures!

This was a train next to ours.

Grandpa and Lexi on the caboose.

My mom in our private car.

View outside, one of the farms we passed

Me and Lexi

Lexi enjoying the scenery, notice the cookie crumbs all over her face! She had just finished the chocolate chip cookies they brought us.

And that's it! Our Lancaster trip. For anyone in the tri-state area I HIGHLY recommend it!

Water Park

2010-08-13T16:14:00.001-07:00

Dutch Wonderland had a water park with an area just for babies/toddlers. Lexi had a blast.

I'm an AWESOME mom! I didn't hold her tight enough on the wet slide...but she didn't get hurt and she actually laughed when she got up.

Being held by Daddy and Grandpa this time! No slips!

Here she's saying, "Fishhhhh"

Trying to drink the water....

.....and trying to sit on the water....

Tomorrow's pics: Strasburg Railroad...anyone bored yet?

Dutch Wonderland

2010-08-13T05:38:00.001-07:00

Dutch Wonderland is an amusement park just for little kids, I would say toddler to maybe 8'ish. It was a GREAT family place. Lexi LOVED LOVED LOVED it. She was a little young yet for most of the rides, but she did go on quite a few!

Waiting on line for the first ride, a boat!

On the boat, which she loved. She smiled and clapped almost the whole ride.

This is Duke the Dragon, the theme park mascot. He popped out and waved when your boat went around this mountain.

In line for the next ride, a train. Having fun with Grandma and Grandpa.

On the train.

This was one of Lexi's favorites, it's a giant birthday cake that you can run in and out of. She kept running in and around it, yelling, "cake!"

Coming out the other side of the cake...

In the cake, with Grandpa peeking his head in!

Like I said, she loved the freaking cake! Here she is yelling, "caaaake!"

My duck obsessed daughter couldn't get enough of this game. The ducks floated past and you simply reached in and grabbed one. The bottom of the duck told you if you got a small, medium or large prize.

Trying to grab a duck, she got a little frustrated, the ducks went by REALLY fast.

Here she is, reluctantly giving up the duck to the game guy.....

And holding her prize, a pink stuffed duck...which she took with amazement...look at her face! She's in awe, "you mean I get a duck, a free duck? What is this magical place!?" Ignore Art's weird face.

She won two ducks, pink and green....which she slept with through the rest of the trip.

On a monster truck ride, with Daddy

Honking the horn and saying, "beep beep". Gotta give Art credit here, he was SICK with a bad cold the whole trip, still, he managed to come out on a HOT day and have fun with his daughter on her first vacation. Go, Daddy!

And what is Lexi pointing at, with a look of concentration.....

Ducks! They had a pond where you could feed the ducks. Lexi, of course, chased them, yelling, "DUCK! DUCK! QUACK QUACK QUACK!"

Tomorrow's pics: The water park

Vacation!

2010-08-12T12:40:00.001-07:00

....some happy stuff! Pictures from our Lancaster, PA vacation. We chose Lancaster as a kind of last resort. We wanted to go on a cruise but realized Lexi would get SO bored and the cabins are TINY. We toyed with the idea of Branson or the Outer Banks but didn't want to find out how a 16 month old would do on a long car trip.

We needed something 1) cheap 2) under 3 hours away and 3) kid friendly.

Lancaster it was.

I honestly thought it was going to be boring and under whelming, but it surprised me. I actually had a great time and enjoyed it very much. So much so that I want to go back, soon, maybe around Christmas. I can't say enough positive about it. We were only there for 3 days, so there was so much more to do.

My parents came with us and they loved it too.

First stop, the National Christmas Center. The porch had rocking chairs and Lexi thought this was the greatest thing ever. She didn't want to get out of the chair.

The center was a museum of all things Christmas, a lot of of it vintage, which thrilled me. They had rooms devoted to Christmas from all different countries and from different eras in the U.S., including a complete replica of a 1950's Woolworths.

One of the vintage trees. LOVE IT.

Can't remember which country this was from...but I love this idea for a small tree, just branches.

Lexi was horrified/intrigued by all the wax figures in the place. She couldn't quite figure out if they were human. At one point, she touched the hand of one and kind of recoiled when she felt it, realizing, I guess, that it wasn't skin....here, she seemed to think this elf was a child. She kept saying, 'hi, hi hi!" and shaking its hand, when it didn't respond, she reached out and pulled its hair!

It was....interesting...keeping my very curious toddler away from the displays. Here she is picking up one of the toys from, I think, the Swedish Christmas.

These carrots were for the clogs Dutch children leave out for the reindeer....but Lexi had other ideas. Guess its good to know she likes her vegetables.

We convinced her to put them back in the shoes. She didn't quite get why we wanted her to put food in shoes....but whatever. Please note, it took everything in me not to find a way to disinfect her mouth...who knows how many other kids did this same thing...or what kind of dust or bug bits might've been on the fake carrots.....tell me she'll be fine!

There were a lot of these kind of elves around. They are freaky! It's like an elf mated with Sammy Davis Jr.

Gotta love the 50's! Even Santa smoked! Hey kids, want some ciggys in your stockings??

Tomorrow's pics....Dutch Wonderland!

Friend's Blog

2010-07-24T17:11:00.001-07:00

A friend of mine just began a blog about walking with God, if you feel like it, go check it out. Yes, I'm shamelessly plugging her blog!!

www.gardenofthelordis51.blogspot.com

summer fun

2010-07-21T09:50:00.000-07:00

Lexi picture dump!!
Lexi recently went on her first carnival ride. She looks so serious in all these pics, but that's just her "new experience" face. EVERY time she encounters something new she studies it with such serious concentration. After a few times of experiencing it, she'll loosen up and smile. Still, the first time for things have all these pictures of Miss Serious. What's ironic is that before we had Lexi, Art and I ran across a "serious" baby on a cruise once. They were on our floor so we saw them a lot. Every time we saw that baby he was intently studying things and looking serious, like Lexi does now. We joked with each other then, saying, "watch us get a serious baby! that'd be kinda cool!"
On with the pictures:

The next few are from a birthday party Lexi went to. My MOPS group has 3 other babies all Lexi's age. Lexi was born in March '09, the blond baby in the pics was born in April, the African-American baby in the multi-colored dress was born in May and the African-American baby in the white dress was born in July-it was her birthday party. I love that Lexi has such multi-cultural friends. Her little girlfriends are like a Tiny Tots united nation! The blond girl is Spanish, Lexi is Cambodian, the AA girl with multi-colored dress is bi-racial and the AA girl in the white dress is full AA (and she was also adopted!).
Us moms tried to get a group picture with all our girls......but, yeah....ever try to get 4 one year olds who are all nearing nap time to sit still on a couch while 4 moms snap picture after picture?
Nailing jello to a wall would be easier. I leave you with the succession of shots we were able to get...not one of them has them smiling or all looking at the camera!

Notice Lexi's face here, this is her "I'm about to melt down" face.

And full on melt down with all 4 babies!!

Notice the figures in the back: the little boy is the birthday girl's brother, the woman is the birthday girl's mother.

Lexi is so MAD here! My goodness!

Stubborn

2010-06-11T08:35:00.001-07:00

Before Lexi Art and I used to talk about the "terrible two's", which I know really last from about 18 months-3 years. From my years of working in day care centers and child psychology classes, I'd impart my "wisdom" (ha!) to him. We'd talk about how there would be days where our toddler would be stubborn, throw tantrums, be defiant, push all our buttons till we just had to put them in their crib and walk away for a few minutes.

I'd talk about this breezily, like it would be the easiest thing in the world, you know, because I was so experienced.

It bears repeating, ha!

In practice is a lot different than in theory.

Lexi is 14 months old and already displaying some not so attractive toddler behavior. I want to be the kind of mother who just coos over it and takes it in stride.

But I'm not that mother.

I'm losing my mind, y'all.

And I feel guilty about that because we waited so long for her and tried so hard to have a baby.

Some examples:

-throwing her paci and "wubbie" out of her crib and then freaking the heck out because she doesn't have them. Repeatedly. And if I don't go in there and get them for her, there's no chance she'll actually lay down and nap. So, it's throw out-mommy put back in-throw out until she decides to lay down and nap.

(For real, I had to stop typing right after that sentence to go pick up paci and wubbie. She's supposed to be napping in her crib)

-throwing food off her high chair tray while smirking and daring me to stop her.

-going from placid, happy baby to DEF-CON 5 shrieking in seconds over things like: can't get the puzzle piece in, she wants to wear her shoes inside, she wants to drink mommy's diet coke, she wants to touch the remotes, she wants to open her safety ~~cage~~ gate, and then right back to placid in seconds when she gets distracted by something else. Are these mood swings.....normal?

-refusing to let me hold her hand when we are walking in public. Most places, I let her walk freely and follow a few steps behind, but in crowded places, or, you know parking lots, I hold her hand. She pulls and twists to get free and begins stamping her feet and complaining-loudly-when I won't let go.

-she's got molars and canines coming in, I can see how swollen and painful her gums are......so some days are just full on baby PMS ALL. DAY. LONG.

-Attention span, about 3.2 seconds (except when she's reading, playing with her house and little people or eating)

-climbing on everything, trying to catapault herself off said things

-and, finally, moments of 'ME DO". She doesn't say that yet, but she means it. Case in point, last night at dinner she kept taking off her bib (do they make bibs that you can secure with a padlock? Just sayin'). When Art or I would try to put it back on, she's pull it right off and shriek and cry. Finally, we gave up and said, "no bib, no eat". I put the bib down on the table, and wouldn't you know it, she picks it right up and tries to put it on herself. When she can't secure it around her neck, she looks to me and makes her little grunt noise that means, "help". I "help" her put on the bib and it stays on without any more drama.

So, I'm telling my inner critic to be quiet, that these are signs of toddler-hood and not signs of bad mom-ness and that I've created a brat.

In other news, please tell me this happens to you too so I don't feel like such a slob. On a day where I've worn a V-necked top, when I take my bra off at night I find little bits and crumbs of whatever Lexi had to eat that day: crackers, pieces of dried up cheese, etc. Not a lot, just one crumb of a cracker or something.....but still.....ew.

Bloggy

2010-06-01T17:31:00.000-07:00

New pictures called "Summer Fun"here

Remember, you have to create an account and request to be added as my friend to see them. I do this for privacy reasons and to avoid awful comments I've gotten in the past.

Info

2010-05-28T05:18:00.000-07:00

Some have asked me where my adoption story is. I also blog on another site that offers me more security. I've been blogging there for 6 years now, so my entries there go back to before I even met Art!
Most of my entries are over there. If you want to follow me over there you can find it here.

Some entries, like those with pictures of Lexi, are private. In order to view them, you will have to create an account at this site (it's free and easy) and then request to be added to my "friends" list. You don't have to do anything with your account once its created, it just allows you to read my private entries.

Summer's Here!

2010-05-26T17:48:00.001-07:00

Today we had our first official summer time activity! It was a record breaking 90 degrees today so Lexi and I headed out to a local sprayground with our playgroup. This is a FREE playground with a water park area about 15 minutes from my home. It was our first time there and it was beautiful! We will be spending more time there this summer, it was so awesome. Pics!

At first she was not sure of it all, she watched the water squirting out of the ground, watched the other kids running around and studied. I love her look of intense study on her face.

She's getting more interested, notice her raised eyebrows.

Getting closer to the water......

....and all systems go!

Trying to catch the water

Where's Lexi? There she is, in the middle!

Snack Time!

All this fun tires a girl out!

I love this girl so much, look at that face!

When we got home it was still very hot, so we had some water play on the front porch!

This is her newest cuteness: when you say, "Lexi, funny face!" she makes this face. LOVE HER!

Ahhhhh, it's good to be a babe in the summer!

More Change

2010-05-25T18:44:00.001-07:00

When I was deciding not to go back to work, I was brainstorming other avenues, part time, to make money.

One night while watching the comedy "Community" on NBC (hilarious show, btw) I had the lightbulb go on over my head: why not see if my local community colleges were hiring?

So, I applied to the two local ones. For one, my application was put in a "file" for adjunct professors to be called when and if they needed teachers.

The other one? I went for an interview.

And got it.

Yup. Starting in September, I'll be a community college professor, teacher, whatever you call it.

True, it's only adjunct and it's only one class a week, but its a start. I'll be bringing home a little less than I would have working full time at the public school, after day care expenses. And, of course, no health benefits, we'll still be buying those privately.

But, I'll be teaching one night a week, Western Civ I. I'll have to go in early for office hours, so one day a week my mom or a sitter will come over in the late afternoon around 2:00 and watch Lexi until Art gets home at 5:30, then Art will take over until I get home around 9:00.

Of course, I'll also have lesson planning and grading, but Art's agreed to give me a night or so "off" during the week that I can dedicate to that work.

So, this may work out and this may even go further than I thought. Perhaps, eventually, I'll be able to take on more than one class and move on to a tenure track rather than adjunct.

Perhaps I can do this for a few years and be home with Lexi until she goes to school. (!!)

Who knows what God has in store for me...

Killer Cribs

2010-05-24T17:23:00.001-07:00

I'm sure most of you who are moms have heard about the massive recall-and potential federal banning of-drop side cribs.

Some of these cribs have rails that come detached from the sides and it creates this pocket that can trap a baby's head between the mattress and railing. Some babies have died as a result, which is too scary and sad to think about.

Most of the babies that dies were under a year, I'm assuming, because if they got caught they were too little to wiggle out or scream for help.

Lexi is 14 months. We have a drop side crib.

Do I get rid of it and buy a 4 solid sided crib? Keep it because Lexi's likely not going to get caught? Keep it and pray?

I want to get rid of it and get a new one, Art doesn't. So....I'm looking around for some objective advice on this.

I'm trying to research if this is a problem for only non-mobile babies or non-verbal babies or what.

She does like to stand in her crib and shake the drop-side railing, she likes the "click click" sound it makes. She's never dislodged it, but she does shake it.

Thoughts?

Lexi @ 13 Months

2010-05-08T19:57:00.001-07:00

Just want to get this down for the record, feel free to move on!

Receptive: everything! Lexi understands pretty much everything we say to her, from simple words to commands. She follows commands such as :

"put your paci(fier) down"

"sit down/stand up"

"get your shoes"

"get Mommy's shoes"

"get your diaper"

"take a bath"

"get your wubbie" (her lovey)

"give hugs/kisses"

"blow kisses"

"let's go eat"

"let's read"

and so much more I can't list them.

She will point to anything you name, provided she's heard the word before. If its a new word, she'll need to hear it and see it 3-4 times and then she'll remember it. Some things she picked up just by hearing us talk, I never explicitly taught her, that surprised me! For example, one day I said "hair" in the context of a sentence and she touched my hair and then hers. I had never taught her hair.

She can point to the following body parts when asked:

head, eyes, nose, mouth, teeth, tongue, ears, hair, feet, toes, hands, fingers, arm

I love to watch her make connections. The other day she was petting my mom's very fluffy cat. She rubbed the cat's fur and then looked at me and touched her own hair and made her little noise that she makes when confirming/checking something with me. She was connecting that the cat's fur/hair was like her hair. Too cute!

She says the following words:

milk ("ilk")

duck ("uck")

moo (when asked what a cow says or sees a cow in a book)

baa (when asked what a sheep says)

meow (when asked what a cat says, actually, she meows rather than says meow! LOL)

that ("dat" when she points to something and wants to know its name or wants me to give it to her, i.e. she'll point to her cookie and say, 'that' till I give it to her)

hi (has combined it with daddy a few times, saying "hi daddy" when Art walks into a room....still waiting for hi mama!)

daddy/dada

mom/mama

'neen (for our houseguest's name, Christine)

honk (when she presses our noses, we say "honk", she'll say 'honk' when she wants to play that game)

eat (duh, when she wants to eat)

Words I've heard her say clearly, once in the past week...hasn't repeated them yet!

Elmo (pointing to the Elmo on her diaper)

cat (pointing to a cat in a book)

ball (when playing with hers)

Physically

Walking, trying to run

Climbs ALL. THE. TIME. and on everything, especially stairs

Can get on and off her rocking horse

Loves to clap and raise her arms when we say "Hooray"

Loves music and dances

Figured out how to (and will do at every chance): open the screen door, flush the toilet, open/close drawers and cabinets....loudly, turn off/on lights, try to put my shoes on my feet, stacks blocks/cups, nests cups/puts things in containers, turn off/on tv, open DVD player disc drawer (grrr!), grasps a crayon/pen and scribbles, and how to buckle and unbuckle her various seat belts (car seat, high chair, stroller, etc)....luckily she doesn't have the small motor strength to actually unbuckle them!

She loves:

Cuddles, kisses, hugs, being upside down, her wagon, her swing, books, berries, being tickled, her wubbies, her sippy cups, french fries dipped in ketchup AND mustard, pasta, spicy food, pizza, her flamingo beanie doll, her doll stroller (in which she puts anything and everything she wants to carry around), bubbles, being outside, techie gadgets, "patty cake", animals-especially ducks, chicks, cows, dogs and cats, singing/clapping in church, her shoes.

She hates:

Having her hair washed, her face washed, her hands washed, avacado, plain food, getting her diaper changed when she's playing, not being allowed to shake her safety gates, having her teeth brushed.

Current favorites:

Books: Brown Bear, Brown Bear and Polar Bear, Polar Bear by Eric Carle

Her farm animals book

Good Night Moon

Time For Bed

Her "words" book (flash cards)

God Made (a prayer book)

Music: When you're happy and you know it

Patty Cake

This is the Day (veggie tales)

Twinkle, Twinkle

Name above all Names

Food: French Fries

Crackers

Berries

Toys: Doll stroller

Flamingo

Stacking cups

Squishy Turtle

Lion walker

Now that I've jumped.....

2010-05-06T18:52:00.000-07:00

.....so I know I've been absent here. Been reading all my faves, just not noting and not writing.

For a few entries I kept getting these really vulgar, nasty notes about Lexi so went and stopped writing but I don't like that, I like having new readers find me and me finding them!

But, don't know what else to do.

Ok, here's my big news. Well, it may not seem like a big deal to you guys, but its huge to me.

I sent my resignation letter into work today.

After a LOT of prayer and talking to Art, we know that me staying home another year is the right choice for our family. This was not an easy choice.

I love my job. I love teaching. I love history.

I feel some panic about giving up a great, tenured, secure job in such a bad economy and having to start all over with tenure when I go back.

I feel some panic about the finances of this whole thing, we'll be dipping into savings to help cover this.

But I also feel joy about this, so excited really, to be a SAHM one more year.

The reality is, I will most likely get re-hired by my district, even my building, when I do go back. My district is huge and there are always, always, openings every school year from the sheer number of retirees and new teachers they don't ask back (my district is pretty hard core and strict about who they keep).

I will just have to interview and go through the whole process like I was a new hire. My district holds jobs for family leave for one year, since I'm taking two, it's considered a resignation. But, since I've worked there and they know and like me I don't think it will be an issue to get a job here again.

Perhaps that's cocky of me, but there it is. I know a lot of people in my building who took off two, three years to raise children and got hired right back in the same position when they came back. A lot.

The district just can't officially "hold" a job for me. Also, since I'm resigning, I lose my tenure and when/if I get hired back, I'll be a "new" hire and have to start all over again.

But, whatever.

There will always be teaching jobs, but I won't be able to get these years of Lexi's life back.

Not only is this scary for the financial reasons and "will there be any jobs out there when I do come back" reasons, but also it's a whole identity shift.

Can I still call myself a teacher? Am I?

Is that who I am or am I now "just" a SAHM?

Am I a SAHM who's taking a break from teaching?

I fully intend to go back, Lexi will go to school herself at some point!

It just feels weird to have this be decided. All year I've been collecting resources, books, articles I wanted to use in my lessons....now, I'll just file them away.

And, while I'm thrilled to be home with my girl another year, I'm also feeling a sense of loss. I truly loved my job teaching honors history in middle school, to the point that sometimes I thought, "I get paid to do this!"

And, not to sound cocky again, but I think I'm pretty darn good at it.

My dad will not take this well, he's always been so proud of my career success and a successful, professional career for his kids is one of the most important things to him. Over this past year he's often said, "You aren't giving up teaching, are you? It's a noble profession."

Some of my friends won't take this well, thinking I'm insane to give up a secure paycheck and health benefits.

A few of my close friends at work who I've told are sad about it.

Wait, I just read that sentence..."a few of my close friends at work..."

I don't have an "at work" anymore....do I?

Easter Pics

2010-04-06T20:04:00.001-07:00

Lexi dying eggs...after she pulled this one out, she crushed it between her hands....just for the fun of it!

I crush egg, strong like bull!

Discovering her Easter basket

Playing with daddy

Reading with Grandma

LOVE this one with Grandpa. He was, as usual, filming her, and she, as usual, was going after the technology.

Grandpa trying to get her to walk on the grass. She, for some reason, HATES the grass and won't walk or crawl on it.

Now he's trying to get her to crawl on it....no luck. He finally had to pick her up.

Portrait and Birthday Pics!

2010-03-31T18:00:00.001-07:00

The following portraits were taken at our local Target. She's wearing her first birthday dress.

I know her face is weird here, but she would NOT smile. This was toward the end of the shoot and she was getting annoyed! It's also funny how she's showing a little leg!

Now, on to first birthday!

I made goody bags for the adults too, full of grown-up cookies and snacks:

Lexi playing with one of her play group friends!

Hey, no paparazzi.....er...mamarazzi!

She didn't really eat the cake as much as play with it....and fling it around the dining room. The carpeted dining room. Green icing + white carpet = MESS!

Grandma and Grandpa's present, she loves it.

It was such a nice, warm day all the guests (and us!) ended up outside. We just got this swing for her and she loves it, the higher, the better!

There's many more pics, of course, but I thought I'd just share a few with you!

Words

2010-03-26T13:36:00.001-07:00

This is just a note to myself so I don't forget what words Lexi is saying.
Clearly and knowing what they mean:
Daddy
Art (yes, she's heard me call him by his name and has picked up on it. when I ask her, 'where's daddy?" she says, "awt? awt?" and looks for him)
Annie (same reason as above, only vice versa...I just want her to call me mommy!!)
Up
Hi
Sort of clear, knows what they mean:
Bubble
Bottle
Sort of Clear, but I don't think she knows what she's saying:
Blue (she sings it along with this toy that sings the colors when you press them, although hers sounds like "bwue")

Possible word I think I heard but it could just be a random sound she made:
Eat
As far as receptive language? She understands pretty much everything we say. I've even had to spell some things to avoid her hearing them. For example: bath, outside, car, shoes, coat. If she hears them, she expects them. So if I say, "Let's give her a bath in 20 minutes" I better be prepared to give her her bath RIGHT THEN once she's heard the word!

Oscar

2010-03-21T18:20:00.001-07:00

Here's where we were last year.

In other news....my darn AF better come soon because I'm in a wicked grouchy mood. EVERYTHING is pissing me off. The way Art chews, drinks his soda, the way the clock is ticking, a dog barking outside. I'm just annoyed with every. little. thing.

Plus, Lexi, or me, is going through a stage/phase/circle of hell.

I mentioned the whining before....now its moved on to full on crying.

Over the past 5'ish days she's had an on/off low grade fever, extreme crankiness and sleepiness. I took her to the ped, who could find no infection. His diagnosis was either a)teething (she is putting her finger in a certain part of her mouth a LOT) or b) roseola (which presents with a sudden fever for a few days followed by a pimply rash).

Today I noticed something that could be a rash. Very faint, very light pimply rash on her trunk and forehead. When I Google'd roseola all the pictures showed children with very bright, red rashes all over their bodies.

So, who knows. Tomorrow she goes back to the doc for her one year well check anyway, she can look at the possible rash then.

In any case, whether its this phantom sickness, teething or something else, it's been very......difficult here the past week.

By difficult I mean, I'm gonna pack my bags and go stay at a hotel for the next few weeks if this doesn't stop.

Lexi, this past week, has taken to sobbing so hard over the SLIGHTEST things, things she used to just ignore or just whine over.

Wanting to be picked up, wanting to eat, her bottle or a toy. Or being told "no" to things like shampoo bottles, biting, etc.

It's breaking my heart and annoying me in equal measures.

The sobbing is so very sad-sounding. I've seen her mini-tantrums, I've seen her when she's mad about something and "fake" cries for it. This is not that. It's full on, tears running down her face, gasping for breath, top of her lungs, sounding forlorn and so, so, so sad crying.

I want to swoop in and make it better AND take a walk around the block by myself.

What is this? Is this a phase? I'm all neurotic that I've screwed something up and I now have a clinically depressed baby.

Well, ok, maybe, at least, a baby that's not happy with her life.

Why is she so sad suddenly? Is she truly unhappy?

Have I spoiled her? All the books said, "you can't spoil a baby under one, so pick them up when they cry".

But....were they wrong? Is Lexi....a little tyrant? Unable to handle disappointment?

And this came on suddenly and out of nowhere. She used to handle frustration and disappointment with the normal anger, fake tears bit. But most of the time, she'd shrug it off and go on being her happy self.

Why the transformation.

I just want her to be happy.

One Year: 2/19-2/21

2010-02-21T15:58:00.001-08:00

One year ago today we had just been picked/matched with S., Lexi's birthmother.

We had just found out that she picked us and that the gender was unknown...even though we were in the gender specific program for a girl.

We had just found out that S didn't want to know the sex, even at birth, so we'd have to wait.

My planning side was panicking.

But, so what, we've been MATCHED!!!

Last year at this time, we had just sent out a first email to S to start our conversation.

What I don't want to forget:

The feeling of excitement, but excitement held tight and small since a month before this match we had been matched with a baby, on our way to get her...and it fell through. I was too cautious and scared to really be happy.
The intense brainstorming as Art and I tried to "guess" the sex of the baby.
The fun time Art and I had pouring over baby name sites and picking out two names: one for girl, one for boy.
The sense that, maybe, just maybe, after 2.5 years of waiting this could finally be it.
Finding out that S is Cambodian/Chinese and researching Cambodia and Khmer (the language).
Being stupidly happy that S lives in MA, our possible baby could be born in Red Sox Nation!
Being amused that the baby's due date was so close to my birthday and that my birthday present might be a baby!
Art researching hotel suites in the area.
Trying to figure out what to do for work.

And, here we are today, one year later:

Pictures

2010-02-01T20:56:00.001-08:00

Never run with scissors. Or a toy in your mouth. Well, she's crawling....or crunning, a word I made up to mean crawling very fast as if running....crunning.

What? I'm just a baby with a toy turtle in my mouth. What's so funny?

You wanna make something of it??

My great parenting skills on display: letting her play with plastic bags. You know, the ones that say, "never let a child play with these." She loved the crinkling sound.

Chicken Dance with Elmo

2010-01-30T17:14:00.001-08:00

Lexi loves music and dancing. Here she is "gettin' down" with her Chicken Dance Elmo.

The sound is not great, put your volume up.

How cute is my girl????

DUI @ Mcdonalds

2010-01-30T14:30:00.001-08:00

I was pulled over for a DUI today.

Except I wasn't D.

Or UI.

Let me explain further:

Art, Lexi and I had done some shopping at our local TJMaxx. While checking out I noticed a couple with a little girl staring at us, pointing and whispering.

I thought that was strange but assumed they were commenting to themselves how cute Lexi is (yeah, I'm a proud Mommy) or how she was probably adopted since she didn't "match" Art and I.

We get back in our minivan, covered in "mommy" stickers like "adoption builds families" and "Choose Life".

We go across the shopping plaza to the McDonalds to get their sweet tea ($1.00 for real southern sweet tea, hot dang!)

The drive-thru line is long, so Art parks the van and heads inside. I sit in the warm and toasty van singing, "Old Mcdonald" (Ha!) to keep Lexi occupied.

I see an unmarked cop car, with its lights flashing, pull up behind the van. I ignore it, thinking, it can't be me, I'm just sitting here.

Then the cop knocks on the window and says, "Could you step out of the vehicle?"

Whaa?????

I do and she tells me that "a concerned citizen in TJMaxx smelled alcohol on you and your husband and was concerned you were driving drunk with the baby."

Art and I never drink. Ever.

We had been out to lunch, I had a diet coke, he had a ROOT beer. That's it.

Art comes out of McDonald's carrying the teas and looking confused as to why not one, not two, but THREE cop cars are surrounding his car and wife.

Because by this time, two other cop cars pull up and another officer gets out.

They ask me to breathe near them, say they don't smell anything on me.

They comment to Art that he does "smell something, some odor" on his breath but he appears "straight". They comment on his clear eyes, non-slurred speech and non-fumbly walking/standing.

They take our ID's and run them and then let us go. They tell us its clear we haven't been drinking...but they ask me to drive home just in case...since I don't smell of anything but Art does.

I ask Art to breathe in my face...and I don't smell anything. The only thing I can think of is that Art ate 2 kosher pickles at the deli where we had lunch. I didn't have any. Maybe the brine from the pickles was on his breath?

In any case, Lexi just sat in her car seat, watching the scene with interest the whole time.

Yeah, this was annoying, but at the same time, I understand it. If I saw someone that I truly thought was drunk getting behind the wheel of a car, with a baby in tow, I would have called the police too.

Interesting afternoon.

2010-01-26T05:40:00.001-08:00

No FREAKING way!

2010-01-25T06:03:00.001-08:00

Alright. I'm done.

Done with winter and cold/flu season. DONE.

To wit, here's January's count so far (just January, mind you, as in the last 3 weeks):

Art: 1 throat infection, I stomach bug and now, the "I feel like complete crap sore throat congestion" bug that Lexi is just getting over.

Lexi: 1 cold, 1 ear infection, 1 complete crap bug which came with wheezing, gasping and intense coughing giving mommy scares every few minutes.

Me: 1 sinus infection, 1 stomach bug, and now, I'm getting the complete crap that Lexi has.

So, both Art and I down for the count feeling awful, needing sleep; Lexi still sick, still has a nose running like a faucet and needs TLC and neither one of us with the energy for it.

But we love on her anyway and put our needs away, she comes first.

There is where parenting's rubber meets the road.

Onward.

Twins and Teeth

2010-01-12T17:21:00.001-08:00

Well, that was weird.

A friend, who also struggled with infertility, just told me she's pregnant with twins. How I found out? A text message from her announcing that her son, Henry, "was going to have two baby sisters!" Now, I knew she was pregnant but had kind of put it in the back of my mind.

This text message of her developing baby girl twins just threw me. I immediately teared up and got depressed, like I used to do when hearing about pregnancies.

I can't figure out why.

IF Art and I want another child, we wouldn't start the process now, when Lexi is only 9 months. We'd wait until she was 2, 2 1/2. So, why was I jealous of preggo friend?

I have no desire to be pregnant, I'm comfortable with adoption as the way to build my family. So, why did I get all emotional?

It totally unmoored me, thinking I was 'over" this stuff. I'm beyond happy with Miss Lex and wouldn't change a thing about how she came to our family.

The good news is, I got over it in about an hour and am fine with it now. I was just surprised it still hurt for a bit.

On to Miss Lexi Bexi news: she's got her two bottom front teeth and the two top front teeth are just starting to poke through (poor thing is VERY uncomfortable).

So, since these new chicklets are brand new in her mouth she's exploring them.

How?

BY. GRINDING. HER. TOP AND BOTTOM TEETH.

::::SHUDDER::::

The sound is like fingernails on a chalkboard. It makes the hair on my arms stand up.

She's too young to understand "stop", so I just have to wait till this phase passes.

But, good God, child, it makes mommy wince.

Also, with her new "biters" she's practicing exactly that: biting.

She NEEDS to bite down on anything and everything.

Including me.

The first time? My boob. Yeah, ok, I should know better than to have her next to me naked when she's teething..but we were having some skin to skin contact.

It freaking hurt!

Since then, every time she's close to me she tries to bite some part of me: arms, face, leg, boobs, lips, anything.

I can't tell if she thinks its affection, she tends to do it after I kiss her or when she's hugging me or if she's doing it to just practice those new chompers.

She's too young to punish for this, of course. I do say, "no" gently and touch her mouth, but I don't think she gets it.

So, if you see me I'll be the mommy with her hair standing on end from the sound of grinding teeth and tiny bite marks all over me.

Cheers!

My Wild Child

2010-01-01T19:38:00.000-08:00

I think I may be in trouble when Lexi starts walking.

Which will most likely be in a couple months, the way she's going.

She is so ACTIVE.

Having never had a baby, I'm not sure how much of her behavior is:

a)normal

b)bad because I'm doing a terrible job as mommy

or

c)hyper and we've got ADHD in our future.

Moms with kids older than Lexi....help!

She just turned 9 months old and all she wants to do is CLIMB.

On everything.

Seriously. EVERYTHING.

All her toys are just a means to boost herself up, she doesn't really play with them, you see.

I wish I could nail her little playhouses to the floor because she's constantly using them to pull up and balance on...and then they inevitably tip over, she goes down with it, cries for a bit and gets right back at it.

She climbs and pulls up on: the couch, the stairs, the tv stand, the front door, the patio door, the sides of the tub while taking a bath (giving mommy and daddy heart attacks), her crib, her pack 'n play, her toys, the fridge, her jumper, walls, mirrors, my dresser (actually pulling open the drawer once and trying to step on and climb up on THAT), the headboard of our bed....you get the picture.

And she's fast too!

Not only does she love climbing, but she has no fear, my kid. She enjoys being held upside down, loves to try to propel herself head first over the couch, the tub...etc. Loves to be "jumped" in our arms, giggles when she tries to crawl off the side of our very high bed (with me or Art tightly holding her waist, of course) and loves to be up and about.

When she's actually on the floor playing, she moves from toy to toy in seconds. She doesn't really stay with any one toy. She'll bang on her little piano for a few seconds, then move on to knock over a block tower, then move on to play with Elmo, then on to her ball, she gives it a few rolls, then back to the piano, oh, wait, she's headed to the couch to try to climb it.....

Is this normal? I'm wondering if I should take every toy out of the room except ONE at a time so she HAS to focus on it. Maybe having a variety of toys in her field of vision is too stimulating? Moms out there, help!

There are three things she will focus on for 5-10 minutes:

1. Trying to climb the couch

2. This little Fisher-Price bird bath singing toy she adores

3. Books. She'll sit very well long enough for me to read 2-3 board books to her, she loves to point to things in the pictures and try to "pick up" the images off the pages.

Other than that, she's a speedy Gonzalez with toys.

I'm also wondering if, now at 9 months, I should structure her day a little more.

For example, after breakfast, we'll do some music and dancing, then move on to books, maybe an art project (what can you actually do with a 9 month old? Edible play dough?), then some quiet time, lunch, nap, then active play....you get the idea.

Am I trying to be too much of a teacher here? Should I just let her free form her days still?

I feel so helpless. As a teacher and as someone who wanted a child so much, you'd think I'd have been more prepared.

Christmas Pictures

2009-12-26T18:32:00.001-08:00

The "before" picture!

She sees the presents for the first time. Of course, she doesn't understand the concept of presents, but she is intrigued by all these new, cool things in her living room!

Not sure what she was doing here...thanking God for all her presents??

Art and his gift from Lexi

Art and his gift from me: a piece of word art with all our private jokes on it. He LOVED it. Thanks The Heat Miserette (a fave) for the idea!

My dad trying to teach Lexi how to tear/rip the paper to open it. She didn't quite get it....but she enjoyed trying to eat the paper once it was torn off!

The "after" picture! Can you spot the little one who hit the jackpot this, her first, Christmas?

Journal Your Christmas: 13 (Christmas Music)

2009-12-13T20:21:00.001-08:00

Journal Your Christmas

2009-12-13T18:08:00.001-08:00

I'm participating in a scrapping project called Journal Your Christmas (see box ------->). I haven't posted my pics, but here's some of them so far. Sorry about my head shadow in there....

Christmas Cards

2009-12-13T16:45:00.001-08:00

If you want a Christmas card from me, leave me your address in my email: anmaha@mac.com

Annie

Who is this guy?

2009-12-03T15:50:00.001-08:00

No, seriously, Mommy, who is this guy?

This is Lexi's look that says, "I'm totally freaking out on the inside but remaining calm on the outside". She wouldn't smile, but didn't cry either!

wanna laugh?

2009-12-01T21:22:00.001-08:00

Every time I watch this I laugh so hard I almost cry. Why she thinks pulling a hoodie string is so funny, I have no idea.

THIS is what I've always wanted: a sort of messy-lived-in kitchen (remind me of that later, Art, when I'm freaking out about a mess), an amazing and cute husband, a beautiful baby and the kind of hanging out at home being a family nights like this one.

God is GOOD.

Should I be happy or worried?

2009-11-30T17:14:00.001-08:00

Today I looked at a day care for Lexi for next September, when I go back to work. I know good ones in my area would require me to make a deposit in January to hold a September spot.

The director offered to let me leave Lexi in the baby room (she's 8 months) while I toured the building. I thought, why not? It'd give me a chance to see how she responds.

Wouldn't you know it she LOVED it?! She was in 7th heaven with so many toys around and other babies (she loves people/other kids and loves being social). I said, "bye bye" and she gave me a happy look and went about crawling and playing.

When I came back in, about 10 minutes later, I expected a warm greeting. I got a smile but then she went right back to playing with the toys!

Lexi will still go to almost anybody and still doesn't mind when I leave, for example, when she's in the nursery during church on Sundays. She does sometimes cry when I leave the room at home and its just us two. But if there's other people around? She's ok with me walking away.

Part of me wants to be happy that I have such an easy going kid, it means the future when I have to work won't be so difficult and she'll be adaptable. And I also realize she could be so well adjusted with other people and situations because we attachment parent her (well, a lite version of AP anyway) her; she KNOWS mommy and daddy always come back, always love her; she KNOWS her world is always safe and secure and loving....so she maybe feels ok being in new places with new people.

But another part of me wants her to miss me just a teeny weeny bit, KWIM? I know I'm being silly...but is dd attached to me? Should I be worried that her no fear of strangers means she's not securely attached to me? Especially because she's at the separation anxiety stage and should be wailing if she goes to strangers and I walk away...but she's not.

Am I doing something really right or really wrong??

Thanksgiving Pics

2009-11-28T16:54:00.001-08:00

Playing with Grandpa

Lexi's first Thanksgiving plate: carrots, mashed potatoes, biscuit, cranberry sauce and stuffing. This is the "before" picture!

We took off all her clothes (you'll see why!) and she dug right in! This was her first table food only meal, no baby food!

Really getting into it! Her favorites were the mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce.

The "after" plate

And....here's why she ate naked....this is what we found when we took off the high chair tray:

Yup, more ON her than IN her! LOL!

Christmas Music!

2009-11-27T16:58:00.001-08:00

Those who have been reading me for awhile know that I am a Christmas music addict; all year I look forward to this month long time when I can play my HUGE selection of Christmas music.

Growing up a favorite in our house was John Denver and The Muppets Celebrate Christmas. As I grew up and moved out on my own, I'd still play that album, I still have it and love it.

There's the one song called "A Baby Just Like You" Denver wrote for his son Zachary, who was adopted, on his first Christmas. In my years of wanting a baby and then going through infertility with Art, I'd listen to this song at Christmas and bawl my eyes out, imagining having a child of my own to sing it to.

And now, praise God, I do. It brought me to tears today as I sang it for Lexi for the first time this afternoon. I just substituted "Merry Christmas Little Lexi Joy" for the "Merry Christmas Little Zachary" part.

Enjoy! The words are beautiful!

0 to 60!

2009-11-25T05:34:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had nothing planned for today except to attend my Weight Watchers meeting. I was going to have a nice, easy day.

Then, around 9:00'ish last night-today got booked up!

First, our cleaning lady was supposed to come yesterday to clean the house for Thanksgiving. Art, Lexi and I also had an appointment with our church for portraits to be taken.

The cleaning lady was running late so I canceled her so we could get to the photo shoot in time. I thought I'd just clean the house myself on Wednesday.

Then the church calls and says the photo shoot is canceled because the company they hired "forgot to assign a photographer for us".

GRRRR, I JUST canceled the maid. Art called her back to see if she could still come. Nope, already took on other jobs.

Ok, so I'm still on for Weight Watchers and then house cleaning on Wednesday, right?

Then 9:00 last night my friend texts me that our union just settled the contract with the Board of Ed. We've been without a contract for 18 months and were about to strike. It was getting nasty between each side.

So, we settled! And there's a mandatory meeting for all union members today at 2:30 to go over the details.

While I'm not working right now, I'm still a union member. And I want to go to find out what our new contract is AND to find out how I get my retroactive check. I'll get a big check for the difference between what I made last year and what I should have made if we'd had a contract and I'd gotten a raise.

Ok, Weight Watchers, then a rush cleaning job, then the meeting.

A good friend from work texts me this morning asking if I want to go to lunch; they have a half day today. Of course! I haven't seen her in awhile and I want all the "dirt" that's going on at work!

So....Weight Watchers, lunch with friend, union meeting....all while dragging Lexi along with me. I asked my mom to watch her, she can't. She's got physical therapy today.

And when am I supposed to clean?

Or prep the food I'm cooking for tomorrow?

And is Miss Lex gonna hold up through all this running around?

What about her naps?

Sigh. Let's see what happens.

Lexi's Look Alike?

2009-11-22T21:08:00.000-08:00

Art and I watch Modern Family (Wednesdays, 9:00 p.m. EST, ABC). The gay couple on that show adopted a baby from Korea, goes the story line.
Here's one of the dads with the baby/actor who plays the baby:

And here's Lexi:

Weird, right? Maybe I should get Lexi an agent and get into show biz!

Néih hóu你

2009-11-21T21:21:00.000-08:00

....means hello in Cantonese.

Chum reap suor means hello in Khmer.

To learn more about Lexi's birth culture I've been reading the books "First They Killed My Father" and "Lucky Child" by Cambodian Khmer Rouge war survivor Loung Ung.

Lexi's birth mother escaped the Cambodian genocide with her mother when she was 4, first by going to a refugee camp and then to America by being sponsored by a church family.

Ung's story is the same, only she was 6 when she escaped. So reading these books gives me some idea of what birthmom went through, both in escaping Cambodia and what she may have witnessed in moving to and adjusting to American culture.

I've also been reading over the original emails from birthmom where she told us a little of her story and heritage and I've been researching the facts of her story and the history of birth family's last name and culture.

It turns out that Lexi is actually a Cambodian Chinese, the largest minority group in Cambodia.

Similar to America where we have a majority European descent and a large minority of African-Americans, Cambodia has a majority of Khmer people but a huge minority population of Chinese Cambodians. And just as in America, the term "minority" does not mean small numbers but reflects that its not the dominant culture, so it is with Chinese Cambodians.

Cambodia natives, going back to ancestors from the earliest dynasty in the 100's A.D., are called Khmer (and the original Khmer name for Cambodia is Kampuchea), whereas Cambodians of Chinese ancestry are called Chen. The Chinese began populating Cambodia a little before the Middle Ages. Those of mixed Cambodian and Chinese ancestry are called Khmer-Chen.

After looking at countless images of Khmer children and Khmer-Chen children, I saw my daughter's face looking back at me from the Khmer-Chen children. It almost took my breath away. This one site was from an international culture photographer and she focused on children in Asia. The Khmer-Chen kids, particularly this one little boy, was Lexi in the eyes, nose, mouth, cheeks, everything.

Not only that, but Lexi's birth last name (I'm using the fake name Chang here as a substitute, I want to keep her original last name private right now) Chang is a Chinese surname. Khmer surnames are have different spelling patterns, syllables and structure than Chinese/Cambodian surnames. And Chang is Chinese.

Not only that, but I learned that Khmer-Chen people are largely Cantonese and that Chang, in Cantonese, is the same as the last name Cheng in Mandarin. I even found the Chinese symbol/writing of Chang/Cheng.

Bored yet? Still reading? Thinking that Lexi is going to sigh and roll her eyes a lot because she has a social studies teacher for a mom?

Ok, if you got this far and are still reading you are either a loyal reader, my husband or as much of a history nerd as me!

I knew that when Art and I opened up our adoption profile to any culture/ethnic heritage I was prepared and looking forward to learning about my child's birth culture. I would have done this same type of research and exploration no matter their background. I just...it's interesting to me....again, with the social studies/history/culture/geography nerd-ishness.

But I digress.

I've been looking for Cambodian language school/culture school in my area and couldn't find any. Cambodian communities, I'm learning, are clustered around Lowell, MA (where Lexi was born), Philadelphia and Long Beach, CA.

But I did find Chinese/Cantonese language and culture schools right in my county. And, I love this, they focus on all Chinese/Asian cultures whether you are Chinese from China, Chinese-Cambodian, Chinese-Vietnamese, Chinese-Thai, etc.

And (can you feel my vibrating excitement!) one of the schools is entirely parent run, it's a co-op type thing where parents teach, volunteer for admin duties (which I would have to do as I don't speak Chinese!) and help organize picnics and parties. They even make a special effort to reach out to "those families of non-Chinese descent and adoptive families", including language school for parents!

*****Happy Dance******

All this research has me really thinking about Lexi's name and identity. Obviously, as of Thursday, her last name is now our very Scottish/European surname.

I'm wondering if we should have made an effort to keep her original last name, Chang, as part of her name; perhaps making it her middle name. I wonder if its too late to change it on the birth certificate. I don't want Lex to grow up and think we rejected her birth culture or were ashamed of it. I don't want her, as a teen, to think we robbed her or denied her an identity as an Asian-American.

I'm beginning to think of ways to incorporate Khmer-Chen culture into her life as well.

Cambodians celebrate a "Chinese New Year" in April...perhaps that?

And perhaps she'll grow up and want nothing to do with any of this and identify herself a whole 'nother way.

I'm not worried or stressing about this at all (what? me not being neurotic??) just excited to explore these options; whether Lexi embraces them as she grows or ignores them. I just want to be ready if/when she has questions or wants to know more about her birth culture.

I hope we can all take a trip to Cambodia when she's a teen as well.

Wow. If you read that whole thing, bravo!

Lexi's Day in Court

2009-11-20T16:39:00.000-08:00

Don't get mad, but no pics yet!

My dad was in charge of the camera...and he left it at the house. So, he used his iPhone and took pictures. I have to wait until he sends them to me to post.

So, here's how it went, text only.

My parents came over mid-morning and watched Lexi so Art and I could dress, get ready and I could run out to the store to pick up the cake.

We then had a little snack (pretzels, etc) and headed out to the courthouse. It was me, Art, Lexi, my mom, dad and brother.

Once at the courthouse, it was a little hectic. We had to go through security, of course and then walk these long, maze like hallways and go down an elevator to the room where the ceremony was being held.

Normally, you would just go into the courtroom before the judge and its over in 20 minutes; but yesterday was National Adoption Day so the courthouse had this elaborate ceremony planned.

That took 3 hours.

In a hot, stuffy room.

With babies melting down all over the place.

But, I get ahead of myself.

So, we get to the ceremony and they did treat us very well. All the adoptive moms got corsages and the dads boutenniers (sp?). Lexi got a coloring book about adoption and they were giving out adoption keychains as well. We had our picture taken with Lexi and they processed it and framed it in this beautiful silver frame and gave it to us. That was a nice touch.

There were about 5 other families finalizing that day but there were about 50-60 people at the ceremony! Some had infants like us, some were international-one family had a boy and girl (toddlers) that they had just adopted from South Korea, one family was adopting, through the foster care system, a 15 year old young man. Is that not beautiful?? Usually teens do not get placed out of foster homes, everyone wants cute babies.
Art's been on the fence about having another child, pretty sure he doesn't want to. But after seeing all the foster-to-adopt families and hearing these heart warming stories he turns to me all teary and says, "That (foster to adopt) is how we are doing baby #2". I looked at him in surprise and said, "There's going to be a #2?"
Hmmm, interesting.

So, the ceremony begins with the Pledge, the National Anthem, some speakers on adoption that ranged from judges to adoptive parents. After the first few you could hear babies and toddlers all over the room beginning to melt down. It was like dominoes, the crying/noise built up slowly but steadily!

The room was VERY hot, stuffy, no ventilation and it was crowded. We were sitting on folding chairs, passing Lexi back and forth between us to keep her distracted and melt-down free.
The last speaker, who had adopted 7 children, chose to read a story for her speech.

Cute idea, right?

Except she was the last speaker in a long line of speakers.

Did I mention the room was hot and all these babies were getting bored and frustrated just sitting there?
And the story was FREAKISHLY LONG for a kids book.

I mean, bad idea to read a story in the first place, even worse idea to choose a LONG story.
It was so hot and Lexi was needing all my attention to keep her happy and busy, I only caught bits of the story.
It was something about a town of wooden people and they had stars on them if they were good, dots if they were bad and one wooden person didn't want dots but he had a lot....and there was another wooden person who learned to shake off the stars and dots....and blah blah blah lets all accept one another for who we are blah blah blah screaming babies blah blah blah so don't judge each other the end.

After that there were refreshments-lots of pastries and cookies, fruit and sodas. Lexi was hungry so I gave her a bottle, but it was nothing doing when she saw us chowing down on sugary goodies. I gave her some fruit-which was so not ripe she couldn't even swallow it-but she kept reaching for everyone's pastry.

My dad gave her little nips of the cream from his cannoli and you've thought we'd given this child haute cuisine. She LOVED it. My little Asian baby digging the Italian pastry, it was so multi-cultural!
When my dad would try to take a bite of his cannoli, she'd protest and reach for it.

Does my kid have a mind of her own or what?

Then we were called before the judge.
We went up another elevator, down another maze of hallways where I discovered that carrying Lexi gives you a real workout if anyone wants to borrow her for strength training.

Once in the courtroom, the transcription machine/computer was down and we couldn't do anything until it was back online. By this point, it was a little after 3:00 p.m. Lexi had NOT had her usual afternoon nap, she had only had fruit and cannoli cream for lunch and was hot and tired of her very pretty but probably itchy dress and was bored at just sitting around since 1:00.

But my little champ was AWESOME. She did not cry or complain. She was vocal about not enjoying herself, but just little protests here and there. She sat in daddy's arms and giggled as he tickled her. She sat on the table in front of the judge's bench and tried to pull on and eat the microphone cord, the tissue box, the lawyers brief, my shirt, her shoes....

Finally the machine was back online and the judge came in. We went through the procedure of asking and answering questions such as: "Mr. and Mrs. Hannah, do you understand that as of today, IF I grant you this petition of adoption Lexi will have the full rights of a biological child"

and "Mr. Hannah and Mrs. Hannah, do you understand that IF I grant you this petition of adoption Lexi will have the full rights to inheritance as a biological child"

and "Mr. and Mrs. Hannah, do you intend to provide this child with love, care, affection, shelter, food, clothing and housing?"
and "Mrs. Hannah, what is your age?"

Seriously. There were those usual "state your name/address/employment" type questions too.
Finally, after all the questions the judge says, "After reading the paperwork and talking with you, I have decided to grant this petition of adoption. The child will no longer be known as Alexis Joy Chang (made up last name of her birthfamily-which was her legal name until yesterday) but as Alexis Joy Hannah. Congratulations."

It was awesome! Then the stern judge steps out from behind his bench and hands us a stuffed bunny for Lexi and is all smiles! We take some pictures with him and....we are done!

Now, Lexi has been ours since she was placed in our arms seconds after birth, she has been legally ours since 4 days after birth when birthmom's parental rights were terminated. It wasn't as if, before yesterday, we were in danger of losing her.

But, nevertheless, it still felt like a huge deal. Until yesterday, while she was "ours", the state could have, at any point, decided we weren't fit parents and taken her...but we knew that would never happen.

It was the name change.

Think back to when you were engaged, married readers. You knew your boyfriend wasn't going to leave you, youWERE getting married, it was done. But up until the actual wedding day and ceremony, up until the actual day that you changed your last name and you two being a family became official and legal....it didn't feel settled? real? for keeps?

Know what I mean?

Lexi officially becoming ours, her last name changing from that of her birth mother to ours, being officially done with paperwork and social worker visits and fingerprints and such felt like a huge step.
Today Art even said, "Something feels different. I mean, she's been my daughter since she was born, but something feels different. It feels real now."

After the courtroom we went back home, had a quick dinner of take-out Chinese food and then welcomed some friends over for cake and party.
Now, I'm going to go bug my dad to get me those pictures!!

Picture Dump!

2009-11-18T05:23:00.001-08:00

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

First really cold day in November; all bundled up in her car seat.

I love that face!

Her first taste of lemon!

She was not amused. Is this the wry look she's going to give me when she's a teen?

One of my favorite shots of my husband with Lex.

Playing in the laundry basket while mommy folds laundry.

This girls loves her Saltines, I mean, she can't get them into her mouth fast enough!

Tophors and Such

2009-11-17T17:42:00.001-08:00

Religion Part II

So, what would you do if you were the owner of the tophor? Would you force it on your friend? Watch them be attacked? Walk away and say, "not my problem, I tried"?

So, what is the tophor? Well, as most of you figured out, its Christianity.

It does sometimes make ones walk a little more difficult but ultimately, the cost is worth it.

And the beast? Hell and Satan of course.

Christians have this wonderful, but sometimes strange, "piece of equipment" that prevents them 100% from being attacked by the beast when they die. They know their friends, family and loved ones who aren't Christians don't have this equipment and, therefore, are subject to attack upon death.

And as we've seen too many times, death sometimes come sudden, fast and when you least expect it.

Putting it in this allegorical sense, I hope it makes sense to my non-Christian readers why most Christians want to share their faith with others: they want to give them that gift.

If I knew the secret to curing cancer but told no one, what good would it be?
If I know the secret to staying out of Hell, but tell no one, what good will that be?

A fave noted that in the allegory she was bothered by the fact that only the tophor holder could see the beast. It's all a matter of perspective. If you truly have faith in something, you are going to see it, if you don't, you won't.

For example, someone who truly believes UFO's are real may see a moving light in the sky and know without a doubt that it IS a UFO. To the rest of us, we'd see a falling star or an airplane or blimp or not see anything at all. No matter how much the UFO believer tried to show me and explain why that light was a UFO, I wouldn't believe because its not part of my belief system, I wouldn't SEE that light as a UFO.....even if it really was one.

So, atheists/agnostics will not SEE the effects of and evidence of God in their life, its not part of how they process their world. No matter how much I tried to explain and "prove" God, they wouldn't SEE it until they chose to believe.

Which is why sharing my faith is important. I can't make anyone believe, I can't prove the existence of God but I CAN share how my life has dramatically changed after becoming a Christian, by sharing my tophor, and let the other person make up their own mind.

So, before you jump in with notes saying, "So, Christianity is just as foolish or make believe as UFO's????" let me continue.

Studying UFO's, is, by its nature, abstract. Unless someone claims to have actually BEEN in a UFO, they have no experience with them. They can read books, they can study the sky, etc. but they have no EXPERIENCE. I'd much more likely believe someone if they had an experience of being on a UFO and their life dramatically changed after it-something tangible, in ways I could see.

Just as well, someone can read about Christianity, read books, magazines, watch tv shows about it, heck, even read the Bible, but unless they have an EXPERIENCE or really listen to someone else's experience and witness their life change, they most likely will not come to believe from just reading a book.

And that's the difference: true Christians have had a positive, dramatic life change and experience, its something that can be seen as "person before" and "person after". And, generally, we want to share that experience.

Notice in the above sentence I said, "share their faith." That does not mean force and I DON'T agree with forcing my faith on anyone, even if it means they are attacked.

So, what is the difference between sharing and forcing?

Sharing: "You know, my life is so much better since I accepted Jesus/became a Christian/went back to church and I'd like to tell you about it, if you're interested."

If the person says, "not interested", I'd respond with, "Ok, if you ever change your mind, let me know."

I would still mention my faith in my life, as in, "Having Lexi is proof that God answers prayers" or "I'm so thankful to God for my home/car/job/whatever".

Now, some may think that is forcing your religion on someone, by simply talking about it. I disagree. As a teacher, some references to schooling and education are going to pepper my speech. Does that mean I'm forcing my career choice on others? Hinting that I'm better than you because I'm a teacher? No, of course not.

So, as a Christian, my speech is going to include some Christian references. Might some people take offense at that?

Yes.

That's their issue, however. Just because someone is offended doesn't mean they had religion "forced" on them.

So, what is forcing?

Forcing my Christianity on someone would be me insulting you because you are not a Christian.

It would be me treating non-Christians like crap, forcing my beliefs on someone would mean I'd exclude them from my life. I'd make it clear that you were not invited to my party because you were a pagan (gasp)!

Forcing my beliefs on someone would be insisting that my version or denomination of Christianity is the ONLY one (notice I said denomination, not religion itself, that's another entry).

It would be me forcing others to listen to my experience even if they requested not to, it would be me telling them they were sinners going to Hell and God hates them and "you better believe soon, missy, or you'll be sorry" or "You don't believe? Have fun in Hell."

It would be Fred Phelps.

Forcing my beliefs on someone would be wanting the government to make laws requiring people to believe in my faith (now, hold on, yes I'm against gay marriage, but some of you will be surprised why....which is another entry.....), laws that would make it illegal to believe anything else.

Many non-Christians mistakenly believe Christians want a theocracy.

No!! Not at all, not on this earth anyway, that won't happen until Heaven. Here on earth I (and most Christians) believe in SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE which means the government can not tell what religion to believe; it doesn't mean there can be no religion in the public domain.

My faith has nothing to do with who's president, its unchanging. I don't want my government making laws about religion. I actually DON"T want to see mangers and such on government property, private businesses, sure, that's their right, but not city hall.

Now, I don't agree with silliness such as renaming Christmas trees "holiday trees", that's just plain dumb. And most of society would agree that things like Christmas trees, etc. are secular expressions of Christmas.

Anyway, I'm getting off track here.

So, I hope some of you understand where I'm coming from with the difference between forcing my faith on someone and wanting/offering to share my faith with someone...and backing off if they say no.

To be continued in Part III: what I actually believe and how its changed my life.

An Allegory

2009-11-17T17:41:00.001-08:00

***Part I of my discussion on my religious beliefs***

You and I are hiking through a forest. You notice I am carrying some strange equipment and ask what it is. "It's my Tophor" I reply. You ask what a "Tophor" is.

i explain that this forest is known to contain wild, nasty beasts that will attack you and kill you, the tophor is the only thing out there that can stop the beast.

You squint your eyes at me and tell me that you've heard these rumors before and don't believe them. You've been hiking in this forest hundreds of times and never once met a beast nor have you met anyone else who has. You tell me that you think the tophor company is making it all up just to sell their product.

You also remark how heavy it looks and how it appears to restrict my freedom of movement.

I concede that you make good points, but I'd rather err on the side of caution. I ask you "wouldn't you rather have a tophor just in case there really is a beast rather than not have one and...encounter a beast?"

I continue, "After all, if there is NO beast and I carry a tophor around, no harm. Yeah, my hike may be slower and I may not be able to crawl into little caves or crevices, but no harm really done, right? But if if there IS a beast and I don't carry my tophor....the consequences for that are much worse!"

You think about that for a few minutes and respond, "but you are making your hike more difficult based on a "maybe", based on something that's more than likely folklore and fairytales."

I shrug, "maybe" I say, but its my choice. I ask if you would like me to tell you where you can buy your own tophor, but you are not interested. No one has ever seen this so-called beast so you really think it's not real. You then tell me that you respect my right to carry a topher and believe in this beast, but its just not for you. You ask me to respect your boundaries and not bring it up again.

A few days later we are hiking in the same forest again. You become engrossed in some beautiful flowers on the side of the trail. As you are enjoying the flowers I notice some movement up ahead.

As I look closer, I realize its a beast coming straight at us. I know I am safe, I have my tophor, but you are not. You are about to be attacked, most likely killed.

I have a choice to make here:

Choice #1: Yell out to you to warn you and ask if you'd like to share my tophor and let me help you.

Choice #2: Do nothing and let you be attacked while I watch.

Choice #3: Sneer and mock you, saying, "I told you so!"

I go with Choice #1. You look up, and, at that point, the beast has turned course and is no longer in sight. You shake your head at me and sigh, "I thought I asked you to respect my boundaries, why do you insist on forcing your tophor on me? Just leave me alone. If this happens again I'm going to seriously have to think about ending our friendship."

Once again, a few days later, we go hiking, same forest.

Once again, a beast appears and is about to attack.

Do I warn you and offer help....only to risk losing your friendship forever? If the beast veers course again you will sever our friendship. Would an attempt to protect you, even though you didn't think you needed protecting, be worth it even if we never spoke again?

Do I say nothing, respecting your boundaries, and watch you get attacked?

Do I laugh at you for being so stupid and ignorant?

To be continued.......

Playing the Race Card

2009-11-17T17:40:00.001-08:00

Please read my entry with an open mind; please know I am speaking from the heart and in no way mean to offend anyone.

As a white person I have no idea-and never will-know whats its like to grow up and live as a person of color. I can read about, talk to friends who are black, Asian, Hispanic, etc, about it, but I will never know what it feels like in the heart.

Maybe its not so different, maybe, by now, we are all "getting along" and race is not an issue in most situations anymore. But, as a white person, I don't know.

What may appear to me to be a "raceless" society when I go out with my friends who are black, et al, may appear to be something completely different to that friend.

I'm not suggesting only prejudice either; I'm talking about just basic life experiences of how one is treated, looked at, what things are assumed about you, how you are described to others, one's interaction with popular culture.

With that said, I've recently been thinking about Lexi and what will be the best way to help her process her heritage.

Is it to not focus on it at all and simply raise her as part of our family? Or is it the other end and buy every toy/doll with skin, eyes, hair like hers and attend cultural festivals and eat cultural food?

Should we talk about it or ignore it? Should it be a main focus of her identity or just a part of it (we hope her main focus of identity becomes as a Christian!)?

Do we highlight how her skin/hair/eyes are different from Mommy and Daddy's (and Grandma and Grandpa's and Uncles....)?

Perhaps one of the most sticky issues I'm thinking about it...exactly what is half of her heritage?

We know that she is 50% Asian (Cambodian). I've been reading about Cambodia and the Khmer Rogue, which is what led Lexi's birthmother S. and her family to immigrate first to a refugee camp in Thailand and then to America, after being sponsored by a family.

I've been looking at Cambodian food and holidays, trying to decide if, as she gets older, we should incorporate them as a way to honor her birthfamily and her heritage.

Should we take a trip to Cambodia when she's in her teens? Should I enroll her in Khmer or Chinese language school (the two languages her birth family spoke, along with French)?

Do I ignore the Cambodian heritage since she was born in Massachusetts and her birthmother has been in America since she was six?

BTW, people who meet us for the first time and find out she was adopted assume it was an international adoption and that we went to a Cambodian orphanage to get her.

How do I handle comments like this when she is old enough to understand them: "Your daughter is beautiful, I think she has some Oriental in her!" (ACTUAL comment from a clerk at a Staples store and also not the first or only time someone has commented that my daughter just may be Asian. Do they think I don't know my own kid?)

Oh, and Staples clerk, Oriental is a rug, not an ethnic identity!

Or comments like: "She's Asian? Start saving for MIT, I bet she'll be good at math."

And, of course, Asian is considered the "model minority": good at school, quiet, subservient, hard working, etc. So, her being Asian actually may cause people to set up high expectations for her. I'm all for high expectations, but not if they force my daughter into areas she's not interested in.

But then....there's the "other" side, the other 50%. Birthmom told us and the social workers that birthdad was black, she volunteered no other information besides that.

At Lexi's birth every doctor and nurse in the hospital who examined her told us, after seeing her medical records with her heritages listed, that "there's no way she's half black." They told us there are certain physical characteristics of people of African-American heritage that she didn't have.

When I took her to her pediatrician for the first time, same response, "She doesn't appear to have any African-American features."

The social worker also commented that she got the "feeling" that S was just saying birthdad was black so her family would not object to the adoption, as there is still prejudice in many Asian immigrant families.

So...I've really been thinking here....how do I handle this? What do I tell Lexi?

Do I honor what birthmom said and just tell Lexi, "the only thing we know about your birthdad is that he was black"?

Do I amend it and add, "but none of your doctors think you are"?

What people ask about "what she is" do I say half Cambodian, half black or "half Cambodian and half we're not sure"?

And then, what of her heritage? As I mentioned above with my questions about Cambodian heritage, do I incorporate African-American heritage, culture, dolls, toys for her? How will Lexi identify herself as she grows up? American? Cambodian? Black? None of those?

What exactly IS African-American culture anyway?

And, here's the part thats hardest to write about but I feel needs to be dealt with: I sense the feeling that many are all too happy to leave the "black" part out of her, all too happy to go along with "well, we just don't know", as if it was the "lesser" of her cultural/ethnic heritages....the Asian part being the more "model" part, the more "cool" part, the more "accepted in society" part.

And am I guilty of that as well? Do I want Lexi to only identify as Asian because she looks Asian? Will she?

Obviously right now all Lexi cares about is that she is Lexi and mommy and daddy are who we are and we all love each other.

But, as she grows up and goes to school and begins to realize many toys, dolls, tv shows, kid tv and movie stars do NOT look like her...what is the best way to help her through that?

The town where we live and she will go to school has a very large Asian population and small'ish black population. Should we move somewhere more balanced?

And, for thought, should I even be concerned about these things in 2009?

I should calm down

2009-11-17T17:38:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I went to visit friends at work and have lunch with them. Two of those friends also have young babies; one has a 6 month old and one has a 3 month old.

When I asked, as all new parents ask of each other, "getting any sleep?" they responded, "yes, every night." Turns out, according to these guys, their babies are SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT. An exact quote: "I put him down around 8:00 and he doesn't get up until we have to wake him up to take him to daycare" from the father of the 3 month old. And the father of the 6 month old: "She's been sleeping straight 10-12 hours every night since she was, like, 2 months old."

And my mom recently said, "She's STILL not sleeping through the night? She'll be 7 months next week, isn't about time?"

And I let it get to me, which is why I need to live in a bubble or a cave or something.

Prior to this conversation I was completely accepting of Lexi's sleeping routine. She usually wakes between 1-3 times a night. One of those times will be for a bottle and the others for some cuddling or rocking back to sleep or to give her the pacifier.

Art and I have agreed that we will not let Lex cry and cry in her crib; that if she needs us and lets us know by crying, we will respond to her. That's the choice we've made based on the reading we (well, I) have done and the philosophy of parenting we embrace. I don't want Lex to learn to sleep on her own by crying herself to sleep and/or just giving up when she realizes no one is going to come get her. Art and I do not rush in at the first little peep or whine either. She'll often wake up and whine and just end up going back to sleep; sometimes she'll even give a few seconds of a full on cry before dropping back to sleep. Art and I don't go in to her unless she's steadily crying for a good minute-ish. We figure, if she's crying that long she really does need us: a hug, a cuddle, reassurance that we are still there, a bottle to quiet a rumbling tummy, a diaper change of a soaked behind, etc.

**PSA note: Please know, I am not saying parents who choose a different night time style than us are bad parents, this is just the choice that's right for us-every family is unique. **

So, after the visit with work friends and my mom's comment, I couldn't sleep last night. I tossed and turned while my mind raced on a gerbil wheel of : "Maybe everyone else is right. Maybe she SHOULD be sleeping through the night and we are doing something wrong. Am I a bad mother? Have I spoiled Lexi? I mean, logically, if we do help her back to sleep when she cries for us, exactly how IS she supposed to learn to fall asleep on her own? Is that something you learn or does that just happen developmentally? I don't want to let her cry in her crib and feel that mommy and daddy don't care about her needs just because its night time, she doesn't have the abstract thinking to even realize its "night time", she'll just think, that we give her lots of hugs and love sometimes (day) but not at others. Won't that mess her up? But on the other hand, I don't want to raise a little brat who throws tantrums when she doesn't get her way. Well, I can deal with that when she's older and I can reason with her about bedtime. Or....maybe not, maybe NOW is the time to set habits. If I don't set them now, will I be helping her fall asleep when she's six? seven? ten? twelve? Come to think of it, she's already showed signs of having a little temper: she angrily bats away the pacifier when I offer it to her and what she wants is a bottle instead, she bangs her hands on her high chair tray when I'm too slow with the spoonful of food....oh no, is my kid THAT kid?? The one that every other parent shakes their head at and whispers about? The kid who is seen as coddled and spoiled? Oh, stop it, she's almost 7 months old, not 7 years old. She's still such a tiny baby with needs that should be met."

And press repeat. All. Night. Long. An endless loop of trying to pin down the perfect, exact right way to parent my daughter at night.

I'm exhausted.

Why do I let what other people are doing with their kids bother me? Why do I second guess myself and our choices? Perhaps because if I am royally screwing up my kid it's a big, huge, dysfunctional mess that will hurt her as an adult? There are no guarantees in parenting, i.e. "do it this way and your kids will turn out just fine." But, nevertheless, I keep looking for them.

And driving myself nuts.

Lexi is leaping and bounding!

2009-10-09T11:20:00.000-07:00

Lexi continues to delight us with her, it seems, daily learning. So far as I can tell, here's the words she recognizes; that is she turns towards the item when I say, "where's the ________":

Mailbox (while going for walks)

Tree

Cat (at my parents' house)

Bottle

Bubbles (we blow bubbles on our front porch almost every day)

Car

She also knows her name and turns towards anyone who says it.

She LOVES ice pops, the all fruit no sugar kind of course! I give her tiny pieces of mine after dinner each night.

She loves to hang upside down off our laps.

She loves to grab Art's and my noses and try to pull it off, she also does that with our hair (ouch)!

When we are rocking her to sleep, she pats our faces with her little hand, its so heart melting!

Her favorite toys are this Sesame Street turn the dials and characters pop up thing, a stuffed chicken Art bought way before she was even on the horizon and her chatty Elmo and Cookie Monster. Notice how she likes all these Sesame toys while never having seen Sesame.

She makes this sound all the time while trying to "talk" to us, it sounds like "help", which we know its not, but its so funny when she says it, as if she's asking someone to rescue her from us!

She loves when I play "mommy fingers" with her, where I suspend my wiggling fingers above her belly, say, "here come the mommy fingers!" and then race them down to tickle her. She loves the anticipation of the tickle more than the tickle!

She loves to splash in the bath.

She still loves to stare at ceiling fans and the pull cords to them.

She can drink from a sippy cup if I hold it, but won't hold it herself.

She loves music.

She's rolling everywhere and sitting up and just being a darn cutie.

See, look below!

Cold? Teething? Allergies?

2009-10-06T14:04:00.000-07:00

Ok, my mom readers, enlighten me. Do I need to call the pediatrician?

Lexi got a cold about 11 days ago. She went through some days of intense nose running, congestion and a rumbly cough, but no fever and her eating and moods were normal. It seemed to go away two days ago and she seemed fine.

Then last night she starts in with the coughing again. This time she has this very dry cough, not the mucusy one from before and she's all congested again, barely able to drink her bottle for more than a few seconds before stopping to breathe through her mouth. She is snoring like a beast at night too.

So, pretty bad congestion with an occasional clear mucus runny nose.
Dry cough.
No fever.
Eating well (besides having to stop to breathe, she takes the whole bottle and eats all her solid food)
Sleeping well (besides the coughing/snoring)
Her mood is normal: playing, laughing, just being Lexi
Her poops and pees are also normal

Should I just stop worrying or should I call el doctoro? I know she's too young for a decongestant....so I don't want to run to the doc (and pay the co -pay) just to hear "it's just congestion/allergies/teething/the remnants of the cold, nothing much to do but ride it out". But I don't want to ignore something if I need to have her looked at.

We have a date!

2009-09-30T15:29:00.000-07:00

Our court date for Lexi's finalization (where she officially, legally takes our last name and becomes "ours") is November 19th.

That is also National Adoption Day so there's going to be a lot going on at the court house: food, the press, speeches...woo-hoo!!

Wow, at that point she'll be 3 days away from turning 8 months. Time is really going fast.

Speaking of her....

today was a "I feel like a bad mother" day. Lexi is getting over a cold so I didn't really want to take her anywhere or spend a lot of time outside like we usually do.

Let me tell you...the day just draaaaaaaaaaaaaaggged. Each minute felt like an hour. I love my little girl, but, at 6 months old...she can be kind of boring! LOL!

After rolling around and playing with toys for 20 minutes, she looked at me like, "now what?"

Ok, how about your jumparoo?

Good? Great, for about 15 mintues.

Ok, now lets read a book....5 minutes.

Sing and play patti cake....5 mintues.

Pull up on my hands and practice "standing".....10 minutes.

Bounce in your bouncy seat....7 minutes.

I got so desperate to fill the day that I actually took her in the shower with me (I held her the whole time) for some water play, which she loved.
When I have a hard time finding things to "do" with her, I feel like a bad mom.

That's My Girl!

2009-09-23T19:12:00.000-07:00

She thought eating the paper was more fun!

Soon, soon

2009-09-18T21:54:00.000-07:00

I promise, soon I will actually write an entry...but for now enjoy Princess Hunny Bunny's cuteness!

She loves her Daddy and has recently started reaching out for him. Please ignore the sweet potatoes smeared under her nose!

She loves to put her burp cloths on and over her head and then pull them off to play peek-a-boo. She put this on her head herself. And she likes to give mommy heart attacks by putting blankets, cloths, whatever, over her head when she sleeps!

Pulled it off, she's waiting for us to say "peek-a-boo"!

Cuteness Ahead!

2009-09-14T12:31:00.000-07:00

Adoptive Mommy or Just Mommy?

2009-09-08T12:09:00.001-07:00

When I was waiting to have a baby it was all about adoption. I was on a few adoption support boards (online), read a ton of adoption related literature and talked about the adoption process all the time.

I fully expected that to continue once I became an adoptive mom.

We were, after all, signed up for an open adoption; which means the birthmom/birthfamily would be in regular contact through pictures, emails, maybe even visits.

So, adoption would remain front and center part of our family story.

But ever since we brought Lex home, it's just about me being a mommy. It's not that adoption has nothing to do with it, its just that instead of talking adoption all the time and going on adoption support boards, I talk mommy stuff all the time and go on mothering support boards.

Instead of being consumed by wait times and homestudies and fingerprints, I'm concerned with poop and sleep and baby food.

I suppose part of it is that Lexi's birthmom doesn't stay in contact. She requested pictures, which I send her on a regular basis. I used to hear from her a few times a month, especially after she got pictures. But the past 3 months, nothing whatsoever. Should I continue sending pictures? I think so until she tells me otherwise. Maybe she doesn't want them anymore and doesn't want to tell me?

So, since our birthmother contact is nil, adoption has faded into the background.

Yes, we still have to go to court for the finalization, but it seems like such a small thing; its procedure, a rubber stamp on paperwork so the birth certificate can be issued in our names.

Each adoption story is different. Many of those I know in the adoption world have very open adoptions, ours is pretty much closed.

I also think once Lexi is talking and asking about her story adoption will play a bigger role as we share with her how she came to be our child.

My sweet baby is-and always will be-my daughter. Not my ADOPTED daughter, just my daughter.

Lexi @ 5 Months!

2009-09-07T06:41:00.001-07:00

NOT how I wanted to spend my Friday!

2009-09-06T19:30:00.000-07:00

As Art was changing Lexi Friday morning, he calls to me in a panicked voice.

I rush in and he asks me to examine "this thing" on Lexi's ankle. It looks like a piece of dirt or lint or something. But as we are trying to get it off her, IT WON'T COME OFF!

Art says, "I think its a tick" and that freaks me out. But, no way, its SO small, literally, the size of the head of a pin.

Finally, I manage to flick it off, Art takes it to examine under a magnifying glass.....

....and sure enough, what does he see but little writhing feet and antennae.

It was indeed a tick, no less, a DEER tick, the tiny beasts that cause Lyme disease.

We both freak and call the pediatrician who informs us to come in right away.

Once there the doctor decides its better to be safe than sorry and prescribes treatment for Lyme. With Lyme, you can't know if a person has it right away and by the time you find it out, its too late. Also, being, you know, a BABY, she wouldn't be able to tell us if her joints were hurting or any of the other symptoms.
I'm crying in the doctor's office by now, but she reassures me that the treatment will take care of the Lyme and wipe it out IF she has it, IF the tick was infected. If she doesn't have it/tick wasn't infected, no harm, no foul with the treatment.

I ask again, "but if she DOES have it, will the treatment 100% guarantee that she won't get the symptoms, that the treatment will 100% wipe it out, if its there???" She tells me, yes.

So, 3 weeks of antibiotics for Miss Lex and we have to go back in 6 weeks for an anti-body blood test to see if, indeed, it was in her system or not.

5 months old and 3 weeks of antibiotics.

The thing is, none of us can figure out where she would have picked it up. I take her for walks around our suburban neighborhood. She was at my Mom's the other day, but they just walked around the block as well. When she goes for walks, she's in a stroller, she's not walking through grass/weeds/woods. My Mom does have cats, but they are indoor cats and don't go outside.
Where could she have picked up this tick???

I feel like the worst mother ever.